Your baby is not what you imagined during your pregnancy and now guilt and conflicting feelings are assailing you. Here are some thoughts on a taboo question.
After the birth of your baby, you are “a happy woman” and this is a feeling shared by the father, the family, the friends and also, to a lesser extent, the other children… It is true, giving birth causes a hell of a dose of adrenaline.
But stays at the clinic are getting shorter and shorter, so you often go back home, with or without an episiotomy or caesarean section, and very tired. Very quickly, too, the feedings, the short nights, the back pain follow one another.
The dream, then, does not necessarily join reality
You can't be warned enough about the reality of having a baby at home. The courses, during pregnancy, are there to prepare you physically and to exchange with other mothers and midwives. We exchange especially on the baby in the belly. Magazines, family and friends speak of the idyllic baby: a sweet, chubby little angel who laughs and smells good… these are the strong imagesconveyed by the whole of society. But each birth and each pregnancy has its own story, with little sores, to be taken seriously.
The sex we never imagined
Already when reading the ultrasound, a disappointment can arise: you wanted a girl, the doctor announces a boy! Patatras, the planned first name doesn't work anymore and then Grandma loves little girls!
What does it mean to prefer one gender over another? It's never innocent. Maybe dad idealized this new little blond head, with his own projections. But normally you have time to think about it until the delivery. Nevertheless, it can remain a frustration and it is important to speak about it with your companion, your gynecologist or shrink, before the birth.
Coming home is chaotic
Once the day of the planned discharge, the organization of this moment is as important as that of the departure to the hospital. And yet it is sometimes chaotic, the parents are excited, the children clumsy and it is perhaps in January with -30° that everyone comes home, with flu or sore throats, including you. Everyone must find their place in the house, including your baby who often shares your room. So begin the short nights and lack of sleep.
Fatigue, followed by baby blues
We would like there to be more doctors and newspapers that provide better information about this period of fatigue. Your body changes into arecord time: after staying 9 months in very close contact with your baby, all of a sudden, he is no longer there, and your body has not yet returned to its pre-pregnancy shape… Often pounds to lose, in addition to other things to do. Nights that are too short in the weeks following childbirth are also sources of great fatigue. You are easily overwhelmed and fragile! Sometimes you cry and think you're stupid!
Feeling of ambivalence, even disappointment
You feel a certain ambivalence between the joy of finally having this little loved one, but you had not imagined during your pregnancy that it would be such an upheaval in your life. Only moms in their second or third pregnancies know this.
You may also feel some disappointment that it is not exactly as you wanted it to be. We then speak of image distortion, because you dreamed he was blond, he is red, he must have been tall, but he is very short. You find that he cries a lot, that he does not drink enough, etc. Then the dream collapses and your morale also begins to play yo-yo.
Guilt assails you
The fact that your morale is bad, that little Arthur does not look like the little boy you would have liked to have and you are not far from telling yourself that you are not a good mother… You feel guilty for wanting to go to the cinema when little Arthur prevents you from doing so and you curse him, after an hour of crying in his crib!
But know one thing:super moms and super babies do not exist! Your baby is very real and you will have to tame each other. You will surely grumble, cry, even regret!! Patience should help you. On the other hand, your physical recovery plays an essential role.
What shouldn't you do?
- Don't try to be a “super mom”.
- Don't compare your baby to your neighbour's.
- Don't run all day with a super busy schedule.
- Don't listen to those who say their baby is an “angel”.
- Don't be alone with your baby all day. Don't cry alone in your corner.
What should you do?
- Ask for help when you return from the clinic, especially from someone caring.
- Make room for daddy to care for your baby.
- Nap when baby sleeps.
- Find pictures of you and your spouse when you were babies and talk!
- Share your ambivalent emotions with a doctor, a shrink.
- As soon as possible, make time for yourself, without your baby and don't feel guilty.
- Take the path of the couple and let your child grow up: he will show you the way.
The important thing is you
You gave birth to a baby, which is already a great achievement. Now it's important to take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby. Do not hesitate to ask forhelping even the other children, who often like to participate. And in the next pregnancy, you will know, before delivery, how the arrival of a baby is a real tidal wave that requires organization and support.