2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
The happiness of happy couples is palpable: but is love alone the secret of their success? Passion is not everything, and there are certain keys necessary for success in love.
The small faults of the loved one are so charming at the beginning of the relationship: however, over time, it is precisely our differences that very often become sources of conflict. Thus, this singularity of the other and these unique character traits that have managed to conquer our hearts are transformed over time into “opposite”. According to psychoanalyst Samuel Lepastier, "to see the differences of the other is to recognize that he does not conform to the Prince Charming that we imagined." So, we quickly descend from our cloud and it's the end of love. "It is when each partner recognizes what makes the specificity of the other that love is born: we can then love him for what he really is", notes Lepastier.
The experts then speak of “mature love”: a kind of love that is no longer in the idealization of the perfect couple, but in the acceptance of our differences. The couple then becomes much stronger, unified by their uniqueness. Recognizing the differences of the other also means respecting their need for autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, the gaze is veiled by desire and passion. From then on, we sometimes realize that we do not share the same values as our spouse. Our values stem from our education, our cultural and social universe as well as our experiences: that is to say that it is rather rare to find someone with whom we share them all! Which, basically, is not dramatic, even if the experts are of the opinion that a couple will not be able to go far if they do not share a minimum of common values.
Indeed, these values guide our life choices, on a daily basis as well as in the long term. It is often when the family grows that we see this clash of values appear, especially with regard to the education of the child. The important thing is therefore to be honest, to discuss, and to anticipate these shocks. So you have to take the time to get to know each other, and talk about everything.
During his research, American therapist John Gottman noted that “happy marriages are founded on deep friendship. For him, it is therefore essential to create a bond of deep friendship with his lover, which means listening to the needs and distresses of the other, sharing hobbies and centers of common interest: a relationship based on respect, what!
“Happy couples know each other intimately,” explains John Gottman, “they know perfectly well whatthe other likes, does not like, its particularities, its hopes, its dreams. To develop a relationship of friendship within our couple, we must therefore pay constant attention to each other. How? Through tenderness, as Ginette Reno sings! Desire is a wave that comes and goes, and in times of calm it is good to be able to count on tenderness and affection.
It's an open secret: good communication is the basis of a good understanding. However, psychologist and sexologist Yvon Dallaire warns us against discussing certain subjects too much. "The paradox is that the more we delve into thoughts and emotions by communicating them, the more we also increase for everyone the probabilities of misunderstanding, interpretation and… disappointment: 'I would never have believed that you could think such a thing, I do not recognize you anymore. And if I no longer recognize you, if you are no longer who I thought, how can I continue to love you?” »
According to him, we must therefore learn to discuss: he also notices a nuance between “saying everything” and “having the impression of being able to say everything”. Taking a step back before having a major conversion is also a good idea. So we're planning a little one-on-one, where we'll be able to talk while keeping our cool.
Good sexual understanding
Strangely, the more time a couple spends together, the more modesty they become. Knowing each other well,partners only go through the same channels, the same predictable gestures, forgetting to reinvent themselves in the bedroom. You have to try things: kissing more, touching each other differently, talking more – or less – while making love… The problem is that when we've been together for a long time, a certain embarrassment of novelty seems to arise..
In the same vein, no couple is immune to a more sterile period of sexuality. The important thing is not to let abstinence take hold. Appetite comes with eating, goes the saying, and it's also true for sexual desire. And if the desire doesn't come back? We have to give our couple some air, by practicing separate activities, for example. The boredom of the other is indeed positive!
To move forward in life, you need plans and dreams! It is therefore important that the couple sets common life goals. Travel, home, child: setting goals unites us. Dreams are also a good way to create a world of our own: a retirement in Hawaii? This whim may not come to fruition, but it nevertheless becomes a dream that you share and can project yourself into during difficult times.
It is also important to have personal projects: achieving self-fulfillment, for example professionally, is beneficial for the couple. Indeed, a happy couple is above happy individuals.