2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
Infidelity has hurt many, from Louis XVI to Uma Thurman. Surprise, betrayal, grief, pain, lies and cries of alarm: an overview of infidelity, an extremely complex subject.
What happened? Am I too old? Did family life scare him? Is it sexual? Is he dissatisfied? Adultery affects men as much as women and imposes on us a questioning that we would have done well without.
Love is as complex as the humans it inhabits. Most of the time, the deceiver, the deceived person and the lover or mistress all suffer in silence. I hear from here “the se, the vae, I don’t care about his feelings! Indeed, hatred is often the best friend of our sadness and helplessness. We witness, powerless, the erosion of 5, 10 or 20 years of happiness and we doubt all the moments that we thought were sincere. Our scale of values is collapsing, our family is no longer the same, our heart is emptying…
First, what is cheating?
He speaks regularly with his ex-girlfriend, he slept with a colleague, he kissed his best friend, he is in love with the receptionist… For some, beingin love with another is the worst, while for others it is the physical act. In general, people who forgive do so more easily after a one-night stand than after a relationship that involves feelings.
Adultery is absolutely not a new social phenomenon. It's not the fault of the internet or a workplace since there are stories of adultery as old as the world.
On the one hand, the Old Testament tells stories of adultery that ended in unspeakable violence. On the other, French roy alty and poets gave a lot of character to mistresses, seen as delicacies rather than household-breaking threats. Thus, we have seen adultery free people from unhe althy relationships and cause others to die of love…
According to Gérard Leleu, a French doctor and sexologist, the origins of adultery come from unmet legitimate needs:
- when one makes life impossible for the other (41%)
- when one feels a lack of attention and tenderness (36%)
- when one feels the loss of desire in the couple (23%).
What to do when you no longer want to be with someone? Or when you no longer really love the one to whom you had promised your heart? For some people, cheating is a quick way to end an unsatisfying relationship. Letting yourself into a storm can seem more effective than a breakup discussion that involves tears and promises todo better when you know that all efforts can never create a love that does not exist.
It is probably due to lack of courage that a person voluntarily sabotages their relationship. It's not very heroic, either! But bravery is not always innate. It can also be for other reasons, such as a repressed homosexuality that returns at a gallop and does not leave room for forgiveness or couple therapy.
We like to find a culprit. Identifying the source of our troubles to eliminate it, even figuratively, but sometimes it's no one's fault. Sometimes you have to let go and accept that the relationship you cherish is over.
A choice to be made
The malaise linked to adultery comes mainly from the lie, the surprise effect and the way of interpreting the thing. When we have just learned that our husband has gone elsewhere, we are taken aback. At first – and this is normal – you feel a mixture of humiliation and resentment. However, these feelings fade over time. If your spouse asks you to forgive him, you have several choices: leave temporarily to see things more clearly, leave for good or stay. In any case, people who speak sincerely and calmly to each other have a better chance of finding happiness, together or apart.
If you understand the situation and, for example, you consider that the situation was already escalating for some reason or if you believe thatthings can work out and you have burst an abscess, you are ready to forgive him. In this case, you will have to try to understand the causes of this adultery so that it does not happen again and not to sink into paranoia. The important thing is to rebuild by looking to the future and not by dwelling on the past.
If you believe in your heart that you will always resent him, if you wish to make his life hell and you believe that he no longer deserves to be happy, leave. You don't want to become a stepmother and be unhappy just because you refuse to accept the fact that you are mismatched.
Likewise, if you're sure he'll do it again unless you watch him closely, leave. No question of reading his emails, smelling his clothes, calling work, asking his friends questions or having him watched. Nor is it helpful to scour forums for clues to your own in other people's stories. We have suffered enough as it is and even when we feel like we have lost everything, we still have a little dignity and the least we can do is keep it. As Brassens says, "give up the job of systematic cuckolding".
One lost, ten found?
In an ideal world, people would always think before they kiss someone and choose a new spouse. By choosing your lover carefully from the start, you have much less reason to be upset or to cause it. Even infairy tales, heroes get to know each other before getting married and having many children.
When meeting new people, be yourself and say what you really want. There is no point in playing the hospitable thigh card in order to attract men to your bed if you are looking for a father for your children. Also, don't be romantic if you're not romantic at all, and consider being alone for a while to think things through.
Sometimes people are afraid of being alone and choose the first comer. Others choose comfort and draw a line under love. It also happens that we choose love, the real one and that it is shared, as it is possible that it is not either. The main thing is to take your time and always remember that you are better off alone than in bad company.