2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-11-27 18:44
The compliment is the basis of a child's progress and the building of his self-esteem. “It would be good to make sure that none of the marks left will cause us to regret when the cement hardens. »
This is a wonderful metaphor for understanding how to compliment your children and how to do it, in the best way. It is taken from the book Thriving parents, happy children, the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
So when we call a child stupid, he will naturally say to himself when faced with a new situation: “What's the point of trying since I'm stupid? If I don't try, I won't fail. » And conversely, if we label a child as « intelligent », he will be able to get discouraged at the slightestfailure: « If I'm so intelligent then why can't I succeed? »
The solution to this problem is in the way things are presented. Here are 3 rules for effectively complimenting a child.
Rule 1. Pair a descriptive compliment with an expression of your feelings to highlight their accomplishments (or intentions) rather than labeling them.
When your child has behaved well at the supermarket, for example, do not qualify him as "wise" or "nice", especially emphasize what you have observed that is positive and share your feelings. “I appreciated your help at the store today. The way you arranged the groceries in the basket by arranging the products from the smallest to the largest made shopping much easier and we all saved time. Thanks! »
By emphasizing the positive aspects of one's actions, you encourage effort and amplify gratification. The child is defined as capable of useful acts if he has the will.
If you judge a person directly, you freeze their image by sticking a label on it. It can even cause anxiety if, for example, you call a child honest when they have lied before without it being known. He then risks feeling blocked by this label and not deserving his status.
Rule 2. Value accomplishments (and intentions) instead of pointing fingers at deficiencies.
Consider this example of a child who comes home broken down from school with a “sloppy handwriting” type rating on an assignment. He is convinced that he cannot write. An authority figure judged him so…
The principle is not to give a definitive judgment that freezes but rather to observe the smallest positive detail to encourage the desire to progress. In the case of "neglected writing", the idea is therefore to find letters drawn correctly(positive), to comment on why they are valid and to guide your child to multiply the number of these valid achievements.
The child who is told that he has correctly drawn an “s” which is perfectly legible, will be motivated to repeat this performance on the whole sheet. Especially if every attempt and evolution is noticed by a caring parent.
Rule 3. Build self-esteem to better withstand criticism.
As parents, we have examples of our children's accomplishments in our memory. When we talk about them (and our pride in the event), it boosts the self-esteem in our children. They then thirst to surpass themselves in order to reproduce these "feats".
So don't hesitate to tell your children about the first time they walked, the one where they got a diploma or a medal, the day they saved a cat or the time he had the courage to reveal that he had written on the walls…
To compliment, try…
Here is a summary of the best way to compliment your child.
Prefer a description to a label. The latter confines the child to a frozen image. Examples of personal judgment to avoid: “You are wise or turbulent or intelligent or clumsy or lazy or brave or stupid or clever or a liar”…
Observe his accomplishments orally and express your feelings. For example, “I am happy to see you doingthis or I'm proud of you when I see you so obstinate or I'm amazed by the precision of your gestures or your help was very useful to me or you wrote well or the way you recite is very pleasant”, etc. Build self-esteem.
Recalling past successes or proud times in a child's life strengthens his belief in himself.
Source and reference
Happy parents, happy children, the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
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