Father-daughter and mother-son relationships

2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-25 11:16

The mother and daughter bond is tightly woven. Dad and son are natural accomplices. Between mom and son and between father and daughter, does the relationship have the same color and intensity?

The mission naturally attributed to each of the two parents in the development of the personality of children has undergone changes in recent decades. Their status vis-à-vis their children - boy and girl - has also changed slightly: thus, the link between the father and his son has been materialized and the role of protector of girls associated since the dawn of time with the father is today today shared with the mother… even if all the dads in this world prefer to make it their preserve!

The boundaries of the relationship between parents and children of one sex and the other are therefore more blurred, but they are still distinct from each other: Louise Grenier, psychologist and psychoanalyst, agreed to dissect the characteristics that are specific to them, but also the few crosses between them.

Between father and son

The most visible feature of the relationship between dad and son is particularly evident in play and sports. This body-to-body isan intermediary, a "third element" necessary for the link to be woven.

The father-son relationship is also important in the development of the child's autonomy and personality, since it promotes detachment from his mother. “The boy identifies with a model father and thus acts as a counterweight to the “power” of the mother,” explains Louise Grenier.

The identification of the son with his father is a determining factor, especially in adolescence: the father is a reference for the boy, especially since he is often responsible for his learning of socialization, a task that also falls to the mother, but more to the father.

The relationship between dad and son is one of authority, but also of rivalry to win mom's heart.

Between father and daughter

This paternal bond has a common feature with the father-son relationship: The father represents for the daughter what will help her to operate the detachment of the mother, in order to allow her to possibly meet other men says Louise Grenier.

The relationship between the father and his daughter is in all respects similar to that which binds him to his son, until the little girl has reached the age of four or five, when she begins to be aware of sexual differences and therefore of her femininity.

Dad then often participates a little less in his daughter's activities, at least not as much as with his son; we will see, for example, more often mum than dad taking the little dancer to her ballet lesson.

The little girl tries to seduce her father - a characteristic of the father-daughter relationship - only to find that she cannot win against her rival, his mother.

The relationship becomes a little more complex when the little girl reaches puberty: some fathers then distance themselves from their daughter but in most cases, the complicity continues, points out Mrs Granary. However, she is shrouded in modesty and reserve, to avoid any ambiguity about the fact that daddy's little girl is about to become a woman.

Between mother and daughter

The little girl has a boundless affection for her mother until the age of three: the relationship is, so to speak, fusional and this fusion generally lasts longer than that which unites the mother and her child boy, points out Ms. Grenier. Mothers generally find it more difficult to accept the psychological separation of their adolescent or young adult daughter. They resign themselves more easily to assuming their son's new autonomy.

The gradual detachment occurs when the little girl turns to her father, whom she tries to conquer, as explained above.

The little girl defines her identity as much by her father as by her mother: it is however the mother who forges her daughter's sexual identity, while the father contributes to the development of the feminine identity (to title of object of desire) by lavishing love on her daughter, explains thepsychologist.

In another vein, the mother-daughter relationship is not necessarily easier due to the fact that both are of the same sex. “We have the feeling that because we are of the same sex, we understand each other better; it's just an illusion!, points out Ms. Grenier. First, we can be very different even if we are of the same sex. Then, the mother is often more attentive to the son because she immediately recognizes the difference between her and him. With her daughter, she thinks she understands…”

The relationship between mother and daughter often becomes conflictual during adolescence.

Between mother and son

For the little boy, the mother is the first object of love. It is also the mother who, by taking care of her son, transmits to him the necessary teachings so that he is able to eventually take care of himself.

The mother will often be more indulgent and benevolent with her son and more demanding of her daughter, “because she wants her to become as strong as she is in every way,” adds Ms. Grenier.

This relationship can be very strong and intense. Some specialists say for their part that it is the most complex of the four parental bonds: the male child not being like her, the mother cannot rely on her own experience to educate her son, any more than she cannot reproduce her own mother's behavior towards her.

Freud asserted that the mother-son relationship is the least ambivalent and thehappier.

This link can become ambiguous, when for example a single mother (unconsciously) treats her son as a substitute for a man.

Nothing definitive

Psychoanalyst Louise Grenier emphasizes that these descriptions of parent-child bonds are not cut with a knife. “You have to be careful about how you look at children and how you judge based on gender. These are social values that lead us to adopt different attitudes. It's unconscious sexism. she says.