Being a dad means accepting to experience fatherhood in your own way and being fully involved in this key role in children's lives. Find out what it means to be a dad these days.
Dads are not the same as 50 years ago and their role is different from that of moms.
Being a dad is…
… a desire from afar “When you become a Dad, you don't know it right away… awareness comes little by little, then, one day, a stranger arrives and interacts with our child, the concern and the pride of Dad awakens and afterwards, we feel a little more Dad. », Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
The desire to be a father is born in little boys around the age of two or three when they play “pretend”. Then, this desire is modulated according to the events of his life. “Indeed, the desire for a child in the male is the result of a psychic maturation, often of several years. It testifies to a good self-esteem and an optimistic vision of the future world. It leads to a new commitment in life, to assuming a new responsibility. Never again will things be the same because, beyond the fact of transmitting life, wishing to be a father means feeling capable of accompanyinga small being in all the stages of its development, to help it to build and flourish. »(p. 33)
…being devastated by the birth “The first meeting with each of my daughters was in tears…happiness, relief, bits of eternity in suspense, in short, the emotion is manifest. », Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
What a shattering and overwhelming arrival! The birth of their children is often the trigger for a sudden realization in men. They understand that they are now “real” dads. Indeed, during pregnancy, men do not feel like “fathers”. "Paternity is above all an intellectual process since the man, unlike the woman, experiences no upheaval in his body: he imagines himself, he dreams of being a father before becoming one socially"(p. 51). At birth, her role and responsibilities become crystal clear.
Sometimes attachment processes happen quickly, but for other dads, they experience more discomfort or a longer adjustment period. “During infancy, the paternal feeling translates into a kind of benevolent neutrality, underpinned by an interest in the different needs of the child. This paternal feeling will gradually detach from its initial narcissistic character to become more altruistic; the father feels ready to satisfy his child's needs at the expense of his own. »(p.187)
The first days after birth are important. It is there that the first threads of attachment are woven and that your baby knows the first impulses of your love. Dads often contemplate their children by imagining them in the years to come and fantasizing about their possible relationships. They are not rare those who dream of seeing their son tread the arenas and become a star hockey player or who caress the sweetest dreams of a princess for their little girl. Dad, take advantage of your paternity leave to spend a lot of time with your children. As little seducers, children know how to quickly catch the eye of their parents and arouse the most lively outbursts of love. A baby literally feeds on the love of his parents.
… be yourself “When you become a Dad, there is not only a child who arrives on earth, there is also a dad. Our life changes, rocks. A bond is established, we fall back in love. You become a hero, a fierce protector, a teacher, a comforter, a clown and so on…” Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
The fathers of yesterday no longer resemble the fathers of today. The images of “Dad is right” and “Dad, the only breadwinner” no longer hold water. New dads take their place more and look for models around them to live their fatherhood well. Dads like moms don't have to change when they become parents. Affinities and passions are transmitted. If Adèle likes to play hockey and her friend Juliaprefers to draw, it may be because the first has a sporty dad and the second a rather artistic dad.
… being different from mom “The activities are many and varied with three equally different and wonderful girls, but I think my favorite ones are the very simple discussions that we have one-on-one during our Father-Daughter outings. A walk to the convenience store, a cone at Ikea, the course of a complicated reading interrupted by a host of questions, on a bike, etc. Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther.
Fathers and mothers don't have the same relationship with their child… and that's good! Indeed, everyone has privileged and unique moments with their children. “The father is there to intervene. It transforms the dual mother-child relationship, sometimes too fusional, into a triangular relationship. »(p.233) The father will be the one who will offer a « virile mothering » to the child. If moms usually cuddle more, dads push their children more towards action and others. Even the way of rocking the children differs: the fathers hold them vertically and the mothers horizontally. “In babywearing, the two attitudes are therefore original: the mother by her support of the child keeps the relationship close, while the father installs his baby at shoulder height, his head in his neck. It is well known that it is the fathers who hold their baby at arm's length, in the air, or who play with him doing somersaults on thecarpet. They are always the first to sit their child on their shoulders and encourage him to stand up early, while mothers favor dialogue and caresses”(p.235)
… take his placeFrom the first moments of a child's life, dads must take their place with this little being who needs so much from his father than from his mother. There is no reason for a father to feel left out. If they believe they don't have as much control for daily care or if the mother oversees their slightest gestures and interventions too much, dads hesitate to do things their own way. Their trust is shattered. However, being a dad – like being a mom – is an experience that is learned through trial and error… and love.
Everyone must leave room for the other to establish a unique and privileged relationship with the baby. However, you also have to know how to speak with one voice when it comes to discipline and respect for the rules. "Both the father and the mother must strive to transmit the same limits, otherwise the child will not understand what is expected of him and will not feel a real sense of security"(p.252). Stability and consistency must therefore be linked to our interventions with children. If everyone can do things in their own way, we still need similar rituals that guide children.
… to be unique for your child “It is certain that we would like to teach them everything to these little sponges, we sometimes run out of time, but somethingCertainly, we teach them a lot more than we think by our mere presence in their lives. » Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
“From birth, the baby knows the difference between his father and his mother. He recognizes them by the smell, by the physique, by the sound of the voice”(p.188) The reaction of babies is not the same, if it is his father or his mother who bends over his cradle. “Listening to the paternal voice, the child hunches his shoulders, raises his eyebrows, opens his mouth and his eyes light up: he is ready to play. »(p.188)
… sharing the daily life of the family “I have several friends who do not yet have children at my age (34 years old) or who do not plan to have one. I sometimes try to imagine myself in their place, then it immediately becomes very clear, I couldn't do without them, them and their tender Mum. » Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
Becoming a dad also means being able to put the needs of another ahead of your own. Again, it's the same process with moms. Finding the time to be a good dad, sharing leisure time with his children, cutting the hours of personal outings, going to work when you have only seen your children for a few hours, this lot of questions and awareness is that of a good number of dads who want to get involved on a daily basis with their kids. It's up to everyone to reinvent their role and transform their schedules to livemaximum paternity. Especially since the presence of the dad on a daily basis strengthens the self-esteem of children. Father-child attachment is not instantaneous or acquired. It is acquired and built on a daily basis and a loving and benevolent presence.
… growing up with your child “When you're a dad, the time for nonsense is over. The bar is high, the stakes even higher, several generations are entrusted to us. We must leave a trace that will beautify humanity. We must show these little treasures that life is beautiful and full of opportunities for those who know how to seize them. » Joe, father of three princesses, Naomie, Amélianne and Marie-Esther
By becoming a parent, each individual grows, children pushing us to surpass ourselves, sometimes to change, to choose a new way of life or to dare new avenues. Children grow and make us grow… mom and dad!
