When we adopt a child, he comes with a past, biological parents and a heritage that escapes us. How to come to terms with the past and answer the child's questions?
There are those days when these questions arise that we dread a little deep down inside. We have known since day 1 that they will eventually come and we then promised ourselves to do this correctly, to say what is going on with the greatest respect for the roots of our child who, at the base, is also the child of another woman, another man, somewhere in the world.
We know it, but over time, the bonds that are created, the deep attachment that we develop for this child, our child, our guts sometimes tend to put this end a little aside history that we could not provide for him. We cannot answer questions for elements that we do not know. Our children's life puzzle will always have missing pieces. It is a mourning both for him and for us. We should not try to create these missing pieces, invent plots of history in order to make it more beautiful than life. Its history is sacred, it must be preserved as it is. Its history is precious; what right would we come from alter it? His story may be flawed, but it is his story.
Hard to answer questions
It is from these days that these dreaded questions emanate, these questions that rhyme with the words "origin", "biological parents", "abandonment" and "adoption". For the child, accepting that one day the person who was to love him more than anyone had to abandon him, it is not an easy task.
- Why me?
- What did I do?
- Why did she choose to leave me?
Angry feelings may occur. These are perhaps the feelings for which we are most prepared deep down inside. Take our child in our arms, allow him this anger felt for the parent who abandoned him, try to make him see that this parent has made a gesture of love by wanting to ensure him a better future, save his life, loving him so much that he was able to see what was, under the circumstances, logically best for him.
We probably manage to manage the sadness or anger of an adopted child much better, because, let's face it, we have the impression that we end up with the "right role". Hard to read? Maybe so, but if we stick to purely human reactions, it's much more comfortable to have the "right role" in life, to feel that we're doing someone good. The false role of "savior" attributed to us by society when we adopt a child, however, leavestraces that become colored when our child is angry with his biological parent.
- Never discredit this parent.
- Never forget that he is his biological parent, that without him this child would not be here.
- A mother is still a mother no matter what. A father remains a father, whatever he does.
But what if this child, our child, started idolizing his biological parents? If our child were to experience a conflict of loy alty? If our child began to radically reduce us to restore the image of his biological parents? This reaction is plausible, even normal in the circumstances. We must be ready to face it and give our child the right to experience this stage of grief, which is sometimes heartbreaking to live for him. What could be easier than attributing all the qualities in the world to someone you can imagine as you please?
Respect your past to lead it to the future
No matter how our child reacts, we must be mentally prepared to always have clear consideration for the biological parents. Do not interpret this often visceral need as a rejection or proof that we have not succeeded in creating a bond of attachment as strong as it should have been. The child does not question your love, but he is aware that part of his life story is elsewhere.
If we consider that our biological parents, whom we will probably never see, are part of our lives, that we are linked to themforever precisely because they are the biological parents of our child, it is already setting the table for a he althy relationship with the latter. The child will quickly feel that we are not trying to take the place of their biological parents, in the sense that we are not doing everything to deny their existence and the important place they could have in their heart.
Not all children react the same way. For some, it will not be important to try to find out who their biological parents are. For others, it will become the quest of a lifetime.
