2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
In adoption as everywhere, there is of course another side to the coin. You know those little things you rarely hear about, but which do exist?
Those little things we only talk about in veiled terms, in our living room, away from indiscreet ears. These little things that we only talk about with people likely to understand because they walk on these same paths strewn with doubts and questions. Too often I have seen extraordinary people almost freak out because they ask themselves certain questions that they think they probably shouldn't be asking. Having the privilege of adopting a child is one of the greatest joys in the world! Indeed, adopting is one of the greatest sources of joy, but the questions, which can sometimes shake, are not non-existent.
What if… I didn't like it???
That doesn't arise as a question, you might say to me? But, of course it does! Indeed, what if you don't like it? If this long-awaited love at first sight during the adoption proposal or worse when the child will be placed in your arms at the orphanage was long overdue… And if he did not come? Behind many smiles and the haste ofadoptive parents hide these deeply human questions. I consider these questions very he althy, because, yes, they must be asked. What we are often shown on TV, what we hear during certain testimonies, stories without flaws or almost, candy pink stories, women who have had milk surges or contractions when arriving at the orphanage, men fainting, too happy to see their child, I'm not saying it doesn't exist. Yes it exists, yes people have experienced such reactions and it is very good to testify.
The trap of too specific expectations
But the catch in all of this is that parents who are thinking of adopting and those who are waiting for a proposal, have a firm idea of "how it should go". And when “impure” ideas like “Yeah, but…if it doesn't click?” Good God, it doesn't make sense to think that… I'll never tell anyone that, I'm going to look like a bad parent…” happen, it shakes us up a lot. We begin to doubt ourselves, our project, our abilities.
First meeting between Chantal and Marie-Félix
Well no! Thinking these things doesn't make us bad parents. Relations between humans are made in this way. And a closeness as intense and engaging as that of a parent towards his child involves a lot of emotions of all kinds, but also doubts and questioning.
I have seen couples tear each other apart because oneof them had very humbly raised the question "I'm afraid… afraid of not considering him as my child", which sometimes provoked strong reactions from the other spouse. Rather than talking about it, a gap began to grow between them, a tearing seemed inevitable. Yet naming these things in no way undermines our parenting abilities. It is possible that, faced with this baby from the end of the world, your guts do not begin to intertwine, that you remain numb with amazement or that fear invades you in front of this lot of responsibilities that has just fallen on you. The “cohabitation” of the pregnancy was not experienced. It was papers and papers and more papers, a long, terribly long wait and then, one day, a baby is quickly deposited in your arms, thank you good evening!
I fell into the trap too…
Personally, when my daughter was placed in my arms, I was frozen. I saw the other couple who accompanied us, and who had just had their baby too, crying hot tears while me… I blinked repeatedly, not a drop came out. I looked at this little being in my arms and I didn't know what to think. Love did not explode in my guts just now. I went through a period of taming, of adaptation. In the space of two minutes, I became the mother of a little girl who seemed to be afraid, who no longer understood anything, whom I would now have to protect and meet all her needs, on a daily basis. I was happy, of course. But I didn't want to jump all over the place, or scream my happiness. As if the weight of humanity rested on my shoulders and I became fully aware of it. This humanity was now the future of my daughter, this tiny being entrusted to me, judging me fit to be her mother.
Marie-Félix, 10 1/2 months
Now my daughter is almost a year old. She came into my life when I was three months old. Today, I would tell you that anyone who approaches her too abruptly would have to do with me. A wolf you say? Most likely. For us, the taming has been done. We got to know each other over the weeks and months. We discovered each other and we fell in love, then we still love each other more and more.
However, before experiencing all this, I too fell into the trap. From my hotel room in Vietnam, I watched this little being in her little wooden cradle and I had trouble realizing that she really is my daughter. Do I love him? Yes… surely, of course, but enough?… Remorseful, we hurry to go to the child's bedside, saying to ourselves "Well, see, what's wrong with you? You should be swooning over her, you've been waiting for her for so long!! “I loved this child, but perhaps not with such a grandiose love as in the television testimonials. I loved him and I had to learn to love him more and more. We loved each other, but we had to tame each other, discover each other. I was an observant mother and sometimes watched her from afar. Aa bit like two unknown cats that are suddenly put in the same room… Aren't we, at the base, animals that have evolved over the centuries…?