If there is a challenge in adoption, it is adaptation. In fact, it's a big part of what adoptive parents will tell you is "the sinews of war" since everything is to be built.
If there is a challenge in adoption, it is adaptation. When we think of the word adaptation, we immediately think of the fact that the child must adapt to his “new life”. It is not false at all. In fact, it's a big part of what adoptive parents will tell you is "the sinews of war." Not that it's a struggle to finish, but the adaptation of an adopted child remains a daily reality that must be kept in mind when making certain choices concerning the child. There is also another form of adaptation that is sometimes more forgotten in the publications: the adaptation of parents to this little being that they do not know at all. Some parents will tell me that at birth, you don't know your child any better. It's true. But the blood link is present, there is an obvious filiation and there was a cohabitation of several months with the mother. In adoption, everything is to be built. This is nothing more than what I call complete taming.
Emotions vary, and that's fine
It is important tolive the magical moments of first contact, this satiny bubble that is created around you when you place this little being in your arms for the first time. These moments will be part of us forever. It’s just as important to listen to your feelings and express them. Crying, smiling, laughing, being completely frozen by emotions; there is no good or bad reaction to this great moment.
In our case, we were two families having our children at the same time. Two very different mothers, side by side. She wept bitterly, while I smiled at my baby and watched her. I observed his reactions and I tried to manage this emotional jumble that was brewing in my bowels. Instantly, I realized the magnitude of the gesture. Beyond the symbolism, when this little girl was placed in my arms, I understood that my life had just taken a new turn. I was now responsible for this little baby who would now rely on me. She was there, in the crook of my arms, scared because she didn't know me. Very small, so young to manage so many uncertainties and such great emotions.
My spouse by my side was holding the camera and was emotional too. Our eyes met and I think I read the same thing in his eyes: “That’s it, let’s go! We can no longer go back. We go straight ahead, as best we can by trying to make this child trust us and develop a bond of attachment for us. It's almost terrifying to think about. What if our attempts were unsuccessful? What if she didn't love us? What if we don't bond with her as we should? We ask ourselves a thousand and one questions deep inside us. We must allow ourselves to ask them and we must allow ourselves to doubt. Both sides have to fall in love and sometimes that can take a while. You should not live with guilt if love at first sight is slow in coming. Beyond love at first sight, a solid relationship imbued with sincere and pure love can develop over the days, in the concrete of all these complicit looks that will be more and more present.
Developing daily attachment
Taming happens on a daily basis, in small gestures, in constant presence. By the fact that the child realizes, day after day, that when he is hungry, when he is sleepy, when he needs his diaper changed, when he is cuddled, it is always the same people who are there, those who are now "daddy and mommy". It is essential, for the first few months at least, to be the main providers of care and attention. Because since birth, the child has experienced abandonment and subsequently received the care required by several people. So for this little being, anyone would do. Anyone who gives the bottle, changes the diaper, gives a little kiss will be welcome. So, there is no need to get attached to anyone in particular. He learned that while crying someone would come and that often it would not be the same face. YouYou will therefore understand the importance of demonstrating to the child that, now, he has a dad and a mom (or a dad or a mom depending on the situation), but that the constancy of this person will now be part of daily life and of the child.
The Feeling of Abandonment
Baby, although small, still remembers a trace of this abandoned experience. The trace is found in the limbic brain, the seat of emotions and stress. Thus, we must neither more nor less prove to the child that we will be there, that we will not abandon him in our turn. Look the child in the eye when you take care of him, talk to him while looking at him, touch him, cuddle him, be relaxed and calm, playful, allow this little being to live his life as a loved, desired baby, reassured. We must always take into account this experience, these traumas experienced by the child, even if he was very young when he experienced this human tragedy. An abandonment at birth is still registered in the brain and can cause it to be very worried, angry, to test its parents for long periods.
Time… it's all about time. And time, one must be ready to invest a lot of it in adoption. But the time invested upfront is the best investment you will ever make. You will reap, in a few months, a few years, a touching family attachment, cemented, a little hand which, perhaps, will systematically come to seek yours, a look deep in your eyes and one of those smiles to win you theheart!
Chantal Massicotte, adoptive motherIn addition to being the mother of a little girl of Vietnamese origin, I am a specialized social work technician in employability and social reintegration. I am also a "godmother" in international adoption, a function by which I am led to help, support and advise the future parents who are recommended to me in all stages of their project for the Bas-Saint-Laurent region. You can also follow my journey on my blog.
