Is it really possible to love one child more than another? This fear crosses the hearts of many parents. However, it is true that we do not love our children in the same way without preferring one to the other. Explanations.
“Love does not divide, it multiplies! This sentence, we often hear it. But deep inside us, we always carry the fear of having a darling. And sometimes, it's true, there is one of our children with whom we "click" more than another. Or one with whom we inevitably have more friction (often because he is more like us!). No need to feel guilty about not loving our children the same way… because it's starting off on the wrong footing!
It is impossible to love our children for exactly the same reasons, to love them “the same”. Necessarily, that amounts to saying that we have a “favorite”, but we quickly banish this word. What you have to understand (and accept!) is that we all love our children, that's for sure. However, depending on their sex, their age, the energy they require of us, their personality and their interests, we sometimes develop more affinities and complicity with one.of them. And in the course of our lives, because we change and so do they, this complicity also changes. We are not always closer to the same child.
But this situation hurts our hearts as parents. We don't want to have a pet! This term has a negative meaning. However, it is our gestures and our actions that will make this situation hurtful or not. Of course, if we always put one of our children first (for the purchase of clothes as much as for serving his plate), the others may feel aggrieved… especially if you do not explain to them the reasons which motivate your choice. If you buy laundry from the eldest because then he can pass it on to the second one for the sake of economy, the latter could understand it if you explain it to him.
However, it is true that he may find it boring to always carry the clothes of the oldest. Maybe find some common ground with him and agree on a few tracks that he could choose new too? Regarding something as innocuous as knowing who will have their plate first, you may perform this task without even thinking that it can cause conflict in the siblings and even be interpreted as a sign that you love more. one child than the other. Who would have thought that the order of service at the table could cause conflict? In a case like this, where love is not at stake, explain to the child that he has no reason to doubt your love and make an effort to vary the order of service. Occasionally,children see signs where there are none!
The important thing is not to slip into unjustified injustices! One of your children should not hold all your attention and above all be the center of all your actions. NEVER. As much as he, faced with this overflow of love, could feel indebted to you and uncomfortable with his siblings, as much those who are neglected could see their self-confidence tarnished and cultivate bad feelings towards you. And in fact, the whole family relationship would become strained.
A bag in every child
Each of our children carries with them a host of memories that are not even related to them as human beings. Our relationship with him can be influenced by:
The time of his birth. When he was born, did we experience a state of euphoria? A difficult pass in our couple? How was your maternity leave? Did you quit your job? A dream?
Our own childhood. Depending on how our own childhood unfolded, we do not act the same way with our children. Also, if we were the youngest in the family, we may find more affinity with the youngest of our children.
The mirror effect. One of our children is very similar to us – both physically and psychologically – and that is enough to color our relationship. As much as this relationship can be fusional, it can be filled with sparks if we see our child's bad sides.
Celebrate the uniqueness ofeach of our children
Ideas to make each of our children feel “special” and unique to us
- Secretly, just for you, make a list of the top 5 qualities of each of your children. So you will see who they really are. You could also make a list of 5 things they are good at, individually. This allows you to have a global view of each of your children.
- Do a special one-on-one activity with each of your children as often as possible. A hot chocolate in a café with your eldest, a movie outing with your daughter and a trip to the park with your toddler. This allows everyone to have a special moment with you. In fact, you are more aware that each of your children brings you something different.
- Don't get involved in siblings. One of our propensities as parents is to get involved in bickering, so that it doesn't escalate. However, if we punish or resolve conflicts for them, children can interpret our decisions and declare that we punish, for example, always the same. Letting your kids find their own sibling solutions is fine.
What if grandma has a favorite?
Before the situation escalates, you must try to talk to him about it, betting on the fact that his relationship with the other children could suffer. Of course Grandma may have more affinity with some of her grandchildren (yournieces, your nephews or yours, for example) or that she sees some more often than others. Sometimes, as adults, we have to stop counting and measuring. Sometimes we are the ones who amplify the situation. Even though Grandma sees some of her grandchildren more often, that doesn't mean she doesn't like the others. Still, if we feel a preference and it affects our child, we discuss the subject with the grandparents. Often, the grandfather is the person who can help us gently convey our message to Grandma.