How to deal with other people's children

The little neighbors come into your home at any time of the day. Your nephew hits your daughter. The children in the playroom at the restaurant rule the roost. What to do? Should we intervene with other people's children?

By having children, sooner or later you end up meeting and being in contact, often close, with other children… whom you did not choose. Many parents wonder about the limits and their adult roles towards these children who are not theirs. Sometimes we wonder if we have the right to intervene. Other times, we wonder if it is not rather a civic duty to do so! “There is a return of the pendulum at the level of discipline, explains Élise Castonguay, psychologist. We have gone from blind obedience to a time when the child was king and where all his needs and desires were met. Today, parents realize that children need guidance. »

Often it is the clash of values and methods of discipline that strikes you, much more than the behavior of the children themselves. And parents, very sensitive, do not easily accept to see their child being taken back or “disciplined” by other adults. “They quickly feel judged orattacked”, notes the psychologist.

Does it take a whole village to educate a child?

If we find the proverb that says it takes a whole village to educate a child pretty and full of meaning, not all parents accept the interventions of other adults towards their children. The proof? It is not uncommon during an adult/child conflict, such as with a teacher, to see the parents take the side of their child instead of reinforcing the intervention of the adult. Many teachers are fed up with this delicate situation which undermines their authority and leaves the children in a disciplinary vagueness.

However, interventions by “outsiders”, no matter how small, often carry more weight. Despite our recommendations and warnings, our child continues to drive his tiny grocery cart at full speed through the rows of groceries. It may be that if another customer or the grocer tells him to drive carefully, our little driver will be more careful. If it is grandma who takes back our daughter who eats with her fingers, there is a better chance that the latter will obey without grumbling. “Sometimes it is more embarrassing and more serious for the child if the remark comes from a stranger. He allows himself less to fight back,” says Élise Castonguay.

The power of limits

“One man's freedom ends where another man's freedom begins. That's all well and good in theory, but in practice – and when kids, and especially our own, are involved – it's a different ballgame! When asituation grips us, we must remember a very simple rule. “We set concrete personal benchmarks. We wonder where our boundaries are when it comes to behavior. We wonder if we are comfortable or not in front of a situation. Thus, we define our limit and then we are able to justify our intervention,” explains the psychologist and mother.

Then we can intervene and we feel confident to do so. “We must be ready to take responsibility for our actions too, because in front of someone – another parent who resists or who questions our intervention – we are ready to assert ourselves and justify ourselves, if necessary. Everyone has different limits, it must be understood, but this should not prevent us from acting if, for us, our limit has been reached. Even if other parents react to our intervention, that does not mean that it was inappropriate. Rather, we have to tell ourselves that we relied on our personal intervention scale,”says the psychologist.

Also, if we have to explain what happened to other parents, we try to avoid “my child VS yours” confrontations. “We can instead opt for the basic technique of conflict resolution by trying to see it through the eyes of the other child. "I think Simon felt like my son didn't want to slide, but he was in the moon and everyone was passing him." Avoid blaming the other. We nuance it a bit,” explains Élise Castonguay. One can also frankly explain the situation by omitting thecharges. We speak more to the "I".

Intervene: yes or no… and how?

There is no point in intervening with brilliance with children. “There is nothing that is not said; everything is in the way,” notes the psychologist. Some stuff?

We give the child's parents a chance to intervene.
We are getting closer to the children. Sometimes knowing that they are being watched, the little culprits calm down.
We take over if we think the situation deserves it.

Other parents have developed subtle tricks to send messages. For example, in a playroom of a restaurant, if the other children pass repeatedly in front of ours, we can say clearly and quite loudly “Save your place. Stay ahead. The others pass in front of you! To help a shy child take his place and not be a victim of bullying, we can also do role plays. “For example, we suggest speaking with a mouse voice and then with a lion voice. We can try several tones of voice to encourage the young person not to be embarrassed to speak. Also, the parent can take on the role of a boy who rules the park and we ask our child to say “It’s my turn” or other phrases,” explains Élise Castonguay.

However, it is not always recommended to interfere in children's play, as you risk undermining their self-esteem if you act for them. “Children may even feel humiliated. As long as it's their games with their rules, it'sour child to experience it," she adds. It remains important to remain attentive all the same by opening, thereafter, the subject alone with him. We help him put words to what happened. “We ask him how he felt and we can explore with him what he could have done without dictating a procedure to follow,” says Élise Castonguay. As parents, we worry a lot about our children, but sometimes living their own experiences while being aware of their limits is beneficial for our little ones! By maintaining the communicative link and by trusting our children in the face of the values that we have instilled in them, the children also gain self-confidence.

We want children to learn to live discipline through adults other than us, but we still fear possible abuse. It is not easy to decide between: it is not because it is an adult who says to do something that it is necessarily good. How to tell our child to do what an adult tells him, to listen to him, but by giving him keys so that he is able to judge? “We also teach them to trust their intuition to know if a situation is suitable or not. They are told that they have a bell inside them, an alarm, a little elf that warns them when they are not feeling well about a situation. We reinforce the importance of their little inner voice. The children also see us thinking and they do like us,” says the psychologist.

At our place, at your place?

When other children come to thehouse, the rules must remain the same for them as for your children. Of course, we can't give them a consequence like for our children, but we can clearly tell them that if it doesn't work, we will ask them to leave and go back home. This is disappointing for our child, but it would be even more so if the rules always varied. If with a particular child, the situation is really unpleasant, we can tell our child that for the moment, he can go play at home, but not the other way around. We can also go to neutral ground – like in the park – with our child and allow him to invite his friend.

Also don't be shy about telling a child that it's time for a nap or meal and asking him to come back later. “When our child goes to a friend’s house for the first time, he is asked to speak to the other parent. We can call him or ask the other parent to call us. It is a first contact that also allows us to get to know the other parents a little simply by being attentive to their tone of voice, the way or what they answer us. We can start with a polite phrase “I hope my child does not disturb. Feel free to return it home when playtime is over or if you have to go out." We introduce ourselves, we open the door on a communication base. We can tell the parents what we asked the child like “I told him to come back at such and such a time…”, suggests Élise Castonguay.

And you, whatdo you do if…

Big kids in the park rule your kids?
The little neighbors come knocking at the door at any time?
Your nephew hits your child?
Children bumping into yours in a restaurant playroom?
A friend steals your children's toys?
What do you ask your children when they are away from home? (listen to the adult, be polite, etc.)