Do you feel that your children are often bickering? Know that arguments between siblings are just normal and it is not always necessary to intervene.
Inevitable or almost, bickering between brother and sister is in a way an apprenticeship in life in society. Lucie Gosselin, worker at the Kent Family Resource Centre, reported that according to experts, preschool siblings experience conflict every 6 or 10 minutes on average! Calculate that there will therefore be quarrels dozens of times in a single day… Imagine a year! The sources of the baffles? Countless: "She doesn't lend me the blue pencil", "He chooses the same glass as me!" », « I do not want to watch this film! », « You love him more than me! », « It is she who always decides! », « He looks at me », etc. Admit you've heard it all!
Rivalry and jealousy are normal in children. Living together, every day, with different personalities, sometimes opposing tastes, a unique family rank which sometimes confers responsibilities, sometimes privileges, etc. All this can generate conflicts. But you don't have to seethat the negative sides of the siblings, the moments of complicity also exist.
Some studies have shown that children with little age difference tend to argue more often. A younger brother and an older sister would be the least conflicting combination, probably because they have few activities and interests in common. But that doesn't mean they get along or are friends. In fact, it seems that there is no ideal combination of age or gender to avoid bickering. Source: Lucie Gosselin, worker at the Kent Family Resource Center
However, spats can become a great source of stress for parents, as they bring them back to what we have been through with our own siblings. It is therefore important to try to maintain composure, calm and rationality in front of our bickering children. The most important thing is to be consistent, to have clear rules that are the same for everyone (for example: not hitting each other, not swearing at each other, etc.). This way, your children will know that you will intervene if they do this and that they will pay the price. Other conflicts are worth letting your children find a solution for themselves.
The goal behind the chicane?
Yes, there would be a "purpose" behind the conflicts between siblings. Sure, there may be something at stake (getting a toy, feeling unfairly treated, etc.), but there is.also a desire to mark his territory within the family and to find his place there. Indeed, when the children argue and the adults intervene, the little ones observe how you react. They will see what you are basing your action or cracking down on. There are even cases where baffles are "created" by children to get attention from parents.
“Who started? »
Being the referee and finding the culprit is a lost action. You often embark on an escalation of protests and end up losing sight of the starting point. Some parents prefer to cut short and punish the two children if they don't get along, others point out the source of the conflict – the sharing of the video game, for example – and ask the children to find a solution quickly otherwise, they close the video game. Stop believing that you absolutely have to intervene in every conflict. If the integrity or safety of the children is not at stake, you can let them resolve the conflict on their own. If you are always the arbiter of the situation, this role may one day be heavy to bear. Delegate…even when it comes to bickering!
Be fair…within our limits
Children are often on a quest for absolute justice. The little one wants the privileges of the oldest, your daughter thinks that her brother is always served first at the table, etc. It is also important to make children understand that it is sometimes impossible to do everything in the same way and at the same time for them. Sometimes it's everyoneturn and another time it will be the opposite. If your children are sensitive about certain details, try to play down or at least simply reduce the sources of inconvenience and possible arguments. In the face of persistent bickering over the color of the lenses “I want blue! ", " No it's me! I don't like green! »… the easiest way is to take identical glasses.
Help them
Conflicts, we experience them every day, big and small. The first squabbles between brothers and sisters therefore become “practices”. Knowing how to resolve a conflict in a he althy way is an art. Encourage children to express clearly what they are going through, to name their feelings, starting their sentence with, among other things, "I" and not the much more accusatory "you".
Also, some of your behaviors could be misinterpreted by children. Comparisons and heavy labels to bear. This locks your child into a static role and may even lead them to do the same and to quickly classify others into fixed roles.
Finally, know that the arguments between you and your spouse are formative; they show your child that it's okay to not always get along. But even more, the way you resolve your conflict will often be copied by your children.
