Your child is demanding of himself, a perfectionist. He reacts negatively to failures, he judges himself harshly and becomes anxious when he does not get the results he wanted. How to help him while encouraging him in his efforts?
Understanding what is happening
When your child begins his school life, he feels a very strong desire to feel competent, capable, confident. He compares himself more to his peers and becomes aware of the differences between his friends and himself. This can make him recognize some of his strengths, but also some of his limitations. He still seeks adult approval a lot, he wants to please. He is proud to say that he is good or skilled in certain areas of his life. This can bring to light in your child a feeling of competition, sometimes with himself: he wants to surpass himself. Sometimes in front of others: he feels like being the best.
If your child is sometimes disappointed in himself, it may be caused by the feeling that he knows he could have done better, since he is more aware of his skills. But it is also possible that thisor because he would like to do better, to feel up to his expectations or those of those around him. In this sense, it may be interesting to question yourself, faced with the demands you have of your child, to know if they are realistic given his skills and strengths.
It's also important to know that children who are more anxious about their performance often tend to attribute their failures to internal factors ("I'm not good", "I haven't worked hard enough) and their successes to external elements (“I was lucky”, “The test was easy”). This way of perceiving things amplifies anxiety since the child can never be satisfied with his efforts or have confidence in his own means.
Strategies to explore on a daily basis
As a parent, you can help your child deal with their challenges and demands on themselves. Here's how.
- Take a moment when your child comes home from school to talk about their day. What he liked the most, the least liked, the moments when he felt he needed help, the moments when he felt in full possession of his faculties. If your child comes home with a result they are not happy with, you can discuss with them how they prepared, what they found most hard. This way, he can better assess whether his result is the one that best represents his skill and effort.
- A good idea: share with your child yourown challenges. It can help your child to realize that no one is perfect and that you too, in your life, at home or at work, there are things you are less comfortable with, others where you you find very skillful.
- Highlight his strengths. When your child experiences a disappointment, his negative emotions could cause him to see "all black". To remind him of a great success, in another subject, or during a previous job, could help him put the situation into perspective and focus on his skills, of which he can be proud!
To go further
Nathalie Couture and Geneviève Marcotte, both psychologists, have written a very relevant little guide on the subject, Extraordinary Me calms his performance anxiety. It is aimed at children aged 7 to 12 and offers explanations, exercises and strategies to help young people cope better with situations where they demand a lot of themselves. Parents will also find creative and helpful ideas to support their child in these difficulties. It is published by Editions Midi Thirty.
