Parents: friends or lovers?

Table of contents:

Parents: friends or lovers?
Parents: friends or lovers?
Anonim

By becoming parents, do we also remain lovers? Reconciliation of the two roles is certainly possible. But how do you get there when the routine and the grind assail us?

Image
Image

Becoming parents changes our lives, whether we like it or not. Even with the best will in the world, the couple will experience upheavals when the little baby arrives… and also during the first years of their family life. The couple's transition to family life is not smooth and without adjustments. But it is totally possible to live the period of infancy without our couple suffering.

Normal process

“Already, even before having children, when we are in the process of wanting children, we should be aware that our life will change and that there will be different phases to go through. Thus, we are less surprised! We understand that the child comes to undo the balance of the couple, but it is clear that it must be made a priority again! explains Pierrette Desrosiers, psychologist in private practice (Pierrette Desrosiers Psycoaching)

Still, the specialist is reassuring. Getting away a little is a natural reflex. “It goes without saying, even if it is not what we want. Often during the first year, themother and child are in the process of bounding, a fusion that allows the development of the privileged relationship between them. And it is even important that it takes place,”she explains. However, it happens that the dad feels abandoned and no longer finds his place with his spouse. Many authors agree on the fact that it is thanks to the man who comes to intervene between the mother and the child that there is a real return to the he althy balance, as much to bring the child to gently detach himself from his mother, once the relationship is well established, than for the couple who find themselves more. "During the first year, the energy is not really oriented towards the couple, it's true, concedes Pierrette Desrosiers. And you have to understand that nature wants it that way too. The energy goes to the child, this little non-autonomous being who, without our care, would not survive. »

The Trap

However, indulging in a close relationship with your baby could have harmful effects on our couple if the situation persists. “If we allow ourselves to be disinterested, we will quickly make our own lives on our own,” says Pierrette Desrosiers. So, it is better to be careful as soon as the baby arrives to continue to take care of our couple. “We can draw a parallel with physical activity. To get back in shape, one must devote energy, time and a budget to achieve it. To keep our couple afloat, we need the same thing. Save time, energy and sometimes even the budget! »

We remain realistic in our game plan. Goodsure we can't leave unexpectedly like before. We have to plan more, but that doesn't kill the fun. “And even if sometimes we are less tempted to go out even for an hour, we do it anyway. No question of saying well, we stay at home instead? Again, it's like physical exercise. We see once it's done all the benefits it brings us. We say to ourselves, I had forgotten how fun it was to go to the cinema together,”she notes. And watch out! “A lot of couples make it a point to say that they have never had their children looked after or that they always take their holidays with the children. Where's the couple in there? asks the specialist. We must continue to feel good as a couple or relearn how to be – if we think we have lost it – because one day the children will no longer be there to bring us together.

Exercise 1 to do as a couple: the repertoire

Each person writes a list of activities they would like to do with their partner. “As for a menu, we try to vary! It is important! “, explains Pierrette Desrosiers. Write down activities already done, new ones, projects that require a budget, long or quick activities, indoors or outdoors.

“Then, we exchange the lists and everyone gives a mark from 1 to 10 to all the activities to see which ones they would like to do better”, adds the psychologist.

This way, you create a repertoire of activities that you want to do together. In addition, you will know what the other really wants to do with it.you. You will be spoiled for choice in determining what the two of you will do.

Communicate clearly

The proposed little exercise demonstrates one of the mistakes often made by couples. “So we would like our boyfriend to guess us! But our desires are changing. We are too! We would like to go out one evening, then another, we would rather go than have a coffee. We must make clear requests to the other and stop wanting them to guess us. And it won't break the magic! adds Pierrette Desrosiers. In the clinic, she sometimes encounters couples who struggle to be guessed by the other or who project confused ideas. If the requests are not clear, we risk experiencing much greater frustration than if we specify what we would like. Because in this way, the other can respond to our desire.

Also read the testimonials and thoughts from fans of the Motherforlife.com Facebook page on the subject. Food for thought.

“I often tell couples to give importance to their request. Saying: "I, the first thing I would like you to do is…" or "What I would appreciate the most is that you…" Thus, by rating the importance of things, the other can know what is really important to us and what is meaningful to us,” she explains. If we say to our lover “I wish you would do more! or “I would like you to be more respectful”, it is too vague of a request. And if we double it all with a hugedose of reproaches afterwards because he did not guess what we really wanted to say, we are even left for a very negative sequence. “Love kills itself with criticism. They take away initiative, break envy, sow doubt, weaken self-esteem and lead to passivity. If we don't clearly name what we want, we can't blame the other for not doing it. And saying "You know what I mean" doesn't help! The boyfriend will close up and will no longer dare to initiate anything, telling himself that in any case, his girlfriend is crying all the time or that it's never right,”estimates Pierrette Desrosiers.

Exercise 2 to do as a couple: list the qualities

Pierrette Desrosiers notes that among couples who are going badly, the ratio is 10 reviews for a single positive feedback. When it should be totally the opposite: 10 positive feedbacks for a review. And this, in couple as in all the other spheres of our life. “Before criticizing, we must therefore ask ourselves if it is really essential. »

The psychologist suggests doing the exercise of noting 5 to 7 qualities of our partner that we appreciate the most. Then we read them and explain them to the other.

“Sometimes this simple exercise brings a lot of people to tears because we no longer believe that the other thinks that of us,” she explains.

Moving Desire

Also, the libido is not equal in a couple. Adjustments will always be expected. "In a couple, throughout our life together, desire is not always inrise or even constant. Stress leads our lives and what often suffers the consequences is our life as a couple,”says the psychologist sincerely. The great stresses of our lives: sexual difficulties, money, raising children and sharing tasks. And women are more likely to see their libido weakened and disturbed if they are stressed. “We have to talk about it and know how to laugh about it between us, in the couple. And as long as there is love, admiration and respect, everything is still there,”adds the psychologist. Intimacy isn't just about making love, either! “The honeymoon that creates neurochemical reactions is not the same after several years of living together, but we can rekindle our flame by adding spice and real communication! concludes Pierrette Desrosiers.

Popular topic

Interesting articles
Silence, we vaccinate
Read more

Silence, we vaccinate

The shocking documentary lifts the veil on the risks and failures of vaccination. What if we were too prone to injections?

The impact of children's films
Read more

The impact of children's films

If children keep memories related to this or that film all their lives, it means that children's cinema has a strong influence on them. Why, and how does the magic happen?

Our favorite artists sing for the little ones
Read more

Our favorite artists sing for the little ones

To celebrate its 10th anniversary, the publishing house La montagne secrete is offering the DVD At grandfather's farm and other singing stories