They are between 12 and 17 years old, and they oppose, demand and depress far more often than they have argued with you for some time. No, this is not an easy time for parents!
The crisis of adolescence is not easy. We find ourselves faced with magnificent young people who have their lives ahead of them and who would almost look like young adults if it weren't for the fits of tears and great moments of opposition in front of their parents who are cataloged as invasive by dint of want their good too much. How can you exercise your parental authority effectively when you see adulthood and freedom just around the corner?
When a teenager is in crisis and demands more freedom, his parents don't know where to turn, especially when it happens when he is most likely to get into trouble. danger or have a negative impact on its future. It is not uncommon for parents to become exhausted by confrontation or to give up altogether, telling themselves that we learn by trial and error and that sooner or later their child's hormones will calm down!
However, even if this abdication seems very cool and much less demanding inas a parent, she often hurts young people instead of reassuring them. Seeing his parents show such casualness (!), a teenager might think that they don't want to get involved in such a complicated relationship, that he is not worth making great efforts for him, and that the consequences of his actions do not make them hot or cold. In short, that his parents are not too afraid that something bad will happen to him!
"The vacuum of authority is a very scary situation", says Etty Buzyn, psychoanalyst and author of the book I love you, therefore I will not give in,and a teenager still needs to be guided, maybe even more than ever with all these new situations he is facing. But if you have to continue to invest in a teenager, you still have to know what tone to use.
We impose or we propose?
When it comes to children who test limits, nothing beats a teenager in search of discoveries! It is to understand the world around him and find his place that he tries so many things that did not exist in his childhood world. It is also to help him get there that it is to your advantage to give him a little freedom.
On the other hand, if he is faced with too many events and changes at the same time, he will be lost. So a middle ground has to be found. Since you had previously played the role of parent director, you will have to adapt slightly by adopting an attitude of counselor during adolescence. His freedom will have to present itself as an objective,on your side as on his. If he wants to go out with his friends, for example, you can let him go by imposing a curfew, restrictions and prohibitions. He will thus have a feeling of freedom while feeling your protective eye watching over him.
According to child psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget, author of Adolescent's Guide for Parents, “Paradoxically, parents are both absent and too much on their backs rest of the time. Relationships tend to become too close. This can cause conflict, because teenagers need to separate themselves from their parents. »
Even if he gradually detaches himself from the family nest, your child still needs advice and guidance, and above all to feel that you love him, no matter what happens. You will therefore have to be patient, even when he is in a crisis.
Talking with a teenager
As in most human relationships, the key to getting along is finding a way to communicate. To achieve this, you can start by valuing your teenager's good moves and showing him that you are proud of him when you have the opportunity. A teenager who feels supported is always more approachable and more accommodating than a teenager who always feels defensive.
Ignore him when he tries to piss you off. It's never easy to pretend nothing happened and ignore the antics of that kid "you raised better than that"! But withoutpretend he's not there, avoid letting your emotions take over and engaging in a word fight.
Learn to negotiate. Sooner or later he will have to earn freedom points and talk to you as equals. When he asks you for something, get into the habit of quickly thinking about what is essential for you and negotiating the rest with him. When he manages to get a little of what he wanted, he will already feel much more mature.