Even if the question may surprise, it does indeed arise, since Kids Help Phone estimates that at least 13% of calls concern family situations, while young people must negotiate their autonomy.
It seems obvious: the older the child, the greater their need for autonomy and desire for independence. This is perfectly normal. While some teenagers sometimes have somewhat exaggerated requests for emancipation, as a parent, it is nevertheless your duty to equip your child to ultimately face the world by himself. Although some parents would like to delay it as long as possible, the time will come when your child will have to be able to make choices for himself.
Finding the balance
Of course, your child's requests will change over time, as will the permissions you grant them. If at the beginning he negotiates on his bedtime or the right to do his homework without supervision, he will nevertheless come to ask to have a computer in his room or to come back later and later, even to sleep out. How do you know how far to go, and when? If one often grants certain permissions according to the age ofchild, it is also important to find a balance that respects the values of your family.
When asked about this, Andréanne Deschamps, Head of Clinical Services at Kids Help Phone, is in the affirmative: the road to autonomy must be taken step by step. Madame Deschamps actually compares the process to a game of dominoes: you place one piece at a time, gently. If the parent has to face his powerlessness – he will not always be behind his child to help him take the right path – the child must, for his part, be reasonable when it comes time to make his demands.
The world is unfair…
When young people contact the Kids Help Phone service, they are most of the time angry, explains Ms. Deschamps. They indeed have a very emotional reaction to what they consider to be a great injustice; especially when they compare their painful situation with the boundless freedom of their friends! The workers will then try to help them find ways to demonstrate to their parents that they are indeed trustworthy.
Because the key is exactly there: it's a matter of trust. With the help of the worker, the young person can then develop an action plan to succeed, firstly to open the dialogue in order to better share these feelings with his parents, then to renegotiate the terms of their agreement. Are the teenager's demands excessive? Then the speaker will advise him to go there step by step. A little freedomis an incredible chance to demonstrate that you are trustworthy, after all!
Choking
So it's a job that is done by two people: on the one hand, the teenager tries to prove to his parents that he is trustworthy, and, in return, the parents must allow it to prove itself. By dint of being forced, the child comes to feel suffocated, and this situation can lead him, among other things, to lie. “The majority of young people are sad not to be able to confide in their parents,” says Andréanne Deschamps, who adds that they usually feel very guilty for lying. In addition to the frustration that accompanies too many prohibitions, this suffocation has the effect of undermining the self-esteem of the teenager, who comes to the conclusion that his parents do not not trust. So too much interference in the life of his young has consequences for his future relationships, friendly, but also romantic.
Trust Builders
Since he is a future adult, it is important to properly equip your child, by showing him, among other things, that you trust his judgment. Obviously, this famous trust is built step by step. If your child succeeds in making the right choices and behaving well in everyday life, the more inclined you will be to give him additional freedoms: he must indeed be trustworthy, but to do so, he of course you have to give him "a little loose". It's all about balance! It is therefore important to encourage autonomy and independence, which, for the parent, means learning to let go and accepting that you cannot control everything: you can nevertheless guide your child in decision-making.. “You also have to accept that your child makes mistakes,” concludes Ms. Deschamps. “Show him that, despite everything, we have confidence in him and that next time he will make the right decision. »
Kids Help Phone is a telephone and online counseling service for people under 20. It's anonymous, confidential and free. There are speakers available 24/7, who are ready to answer questions, or just listen.
