2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
I often repeat to parents who consult me: cries are often generated by excess stress. They express a need to be heard to stop the process. We shout because we are living in an emergency situation that we have trouble managing.
A mother told me recently: “My partner and I have a bad habit of shouting to make ourselves heard. I have the impression that the children laugh at us more than anything else and do not listen at all… Is it too late? How do we break this bad habit and make ourselves heard and respected now? »
Children often laugh at our cries because they are under stress too; it is a natural physiological reaction. Many children resort to laughter to lighten the mood. In fact, they are not laughing at the parent who is speaking, it is a direct reaction to the cry that surprises them, most of the time. The child closes up and no longer hears the instructions or the instructions. He tends, at this time, to collaborate with difficulties while the parent just hopes for peace and to move on to the next stage: that of a return to calm.
Guilt and Judgment
The guilt isa direct consequence of our inappropriate actions. We know that shouting is not a solution, we read it every day on social networks, we hear it repeated to who better-better… And yet, all we have to do is shout for us to instantly feel our own judgment and /or social pressure: yelling is a direct shortcut that says you're a bad parent!
But when this happens, we are often overwhelmed by our own emotions. It is important to take this into account when analyzing the problem as a whole. Why am I screaming, what is the message I want to convey? Why did I wait to express my own needs and limitations? What can I do to return to my calm state? What does my child feel, what is he trying to make me understand?
Be heard and understood
Screaming is running out of tools and being stuck in an uncomfortable situation that you want to stop as soon as possible. When you shout, the goal is not to shout, but to be heard. Taking care of each member of the family, of everyone's needs, of the basics and laying down clear guidelines will make it possible not to get to this level of stress, to react before it is too late.
It is therefore essential to think in advance about what is important to us when we transmit to our children. Defining the trajectory that we draw as a family will allow us to find harmony. This process is usually experienced through trial and error before finding the right balance for each.
It's important to remember that in a family there are as many needs as there are individuals and we are often in direct competition to keep our place, that's why communicating, naming and adjusting are necessary keys to allow everyone to feel respected.
Tools and Strategies
It's never too late: it is always possible to readjust, to take care of the relationship and to express that we have taken a wrong turn. Children are resilient. Becoming aware of our inappropriate behavior is already a (huge) step towards change. It sometimes takes time to change entrenched habits because we do not always know what generates this state. Often, it is not because of our children but of everything that we have to assume around that puts us in a situation of vulnerability, stress and fatigue.
Children are generally reactive, but when we are more stressed, we tend to pick up on the parasitic elements that prevent us from finding our respite, and we focus on them rather than opening up to them. 'together.
You have to see the situation as a whole: what generated the conflict, how to get through it while minimizing the repercussions but finding full possession of your means towards a consensus where everyone has a place ? Then, how to avoid finding yourself in the same conflicts and the same situations again? You have to find your own strategies that will be effective and multiply your tools to keep the distance necessary for overflows.
