It's hard to explain death to a child and even more so what happens afterwards when we ourselves, despite our personal beliefs, have no clear answers to offer them.
Many grandparents today have more time to spend with their grandchildren than previous generations. Smaller families, children who often arrive later in our lives make our parents, sometimes retired and for a long time without children of their own at home, more available for their little loves. Their death is all the more difficult to live with for our children… and for us! How to help them overcome this pain?
Ariane lives in her own way the mourning of her grandmother Jeannot, who died a few weeks ago after a long illness. My chip has a very limited understanding of what death is. To borrow his words as a child, his "grandmother left very high in the sky, with her little wings on her back". And “she no longer has a sore, it was Jesus who healed her! », she adds from the top of her almost 3 apples…
Félix, almost 9 years old, experienced his grief quite differently. He was 6 and a half years old when his grandfather died, left far too soon, far too young, only a few weeks after a diagnosisof cancer. But he already understood what is called the “notion of irreversibility” of death. He himself explained to his grandmother that they would never see Grandpa Jules again. And without anyone telling him about it, he had made a mental picture of what the afterlife was like. “Grandpa is… like the universe. It is very far, far beyond the sky. There are trees, lakes… It's like the Earth, but ten, a hundred times better! he explained to his grandmother a few months after the death.
It's hard to explain death to a child and even more so what happens afterwards when we ourselves, despite our personal beliefs, don't have clear answers to offer them. Their questions confuse us, their reflections upset us and sometimes even challenge us in the face of our own "certainties"…
What the studies clearly show is that around the age of 7 or 8, the child will know as much as we do on the subject. That is to say, death is the end of physical life, it is irreversible and everyone ends up dying.
Around the age of 3, the child, who only understands what he "sees and touches", will ask many questions about very concrete aspects of the death of his grandparent. He will want to know if he still has a sore, where he is now, when we will see him again. " Is he sleeping? he may ask if he sees his grandparent exposed at the funeral home. Ariane, for example, was surprised that at the end of the evening, everyone left and left her grandmother alone in the room. And despite the explanations given to her questions, she often asked us again when Grandma was coming back. This is a good image of his limit of understanding in the face of death.
How to answer all his questions?
The simplest and most frank way in the world, without going beyond what the child asks of us. If the answer you gave him isn't clear, don't worry, he'll come back!
The slightly older child will be able to question us on aspects that are more difficult to address, such as whether his grandparent can still see him or whether it is only the elderly who die. It may increase his anxiety or his fear for a while, to realize that his mom or dad could die. That to him too, it could happen! And, he can live the absence of his grandparent, whom he knows he will not see again, in a much more dramatic way than the toddler who lives in the “here and now”.
Emotionally, the child, in addition to his pain, will be affected by the reaction of his parents and family. For him, an adult is a strong, invincible being. And to see him saddened, vulnerable can be insecure for the child. However, you should not be afraid to show your feelings, and especially to talk about them with the child, it is a painful but necessary learning process. To explain to him our pain, our pain, it will soothe him. And it will allow him to surrender to his own!
And little by little, over time, more or less long depending on the children, the pain will ease. He will renewwith life, he will begin to laugh again, to have fun, to feel lighter. He will be comfortable talking about it, reminiscing about good times spent with him. He may want to keep a meaningful photo or object near him that reminds him of his grandparent. It will allow him to think of him and keep his love and memory present in his heart!
To learn more about the subject, alone or with your child, consult the Guide Info-Family
