Your maternity leave is over. You will soon have to leave baby in someone else's arms. And if it was those of the grandparents? Here are the pros and cons of this option.
Before listing the pros and cons of grandparent custody, it is important to mention some basic prerequisites for this custody option. Just as we wouldn't send our child to childcare without assessing certain criteria and asking a ton of questions, the same goes for grandparent care. Here are some things to consider before embarking on the adventure.
The quality of communications
"Before even thinking that the grandparent can and wants to babysit, we should make sure to have quality communication between the parents and the grandparents," says Francine Ferland, professor emeritus at the Faculty of Medicine of Montreal and author of the book Grandparents today. Pleasures and traps. Are we able to say things to each other clearly, to address differences of opinion smoothly? “If we are unable to discuss, or if, as soon as something does not work on one side or onthe other, we climb on his high horses, it's going to be hell,”says Ms. Ferland.
Geographical proximity
If you have to make a detour of more than 15-20 minutes in the morning and evening to pick up your baby, it's a good thing to think about. Add to this time spent in the car the minutes you will have to spend listening to the fantastic account of days at the park… certainly a more detailed account than the accounts of an educator in a service of keep. If you want to get home quickly after a hard day's work, it will take patience (and probably tact, in some cases).
Anticipate difficulties
Of course, if you plan to have your child looked after by his grandparents, it means that you trust them. On the other hand, do you still agree with their interventions? What if they do something you disapprove? Will you be able to talk about it and find solutions that work for everyone? “Take the time to clarify each other's expectations,” suggests Ms. Ferland.
An agreement that may involve 4 adults
If you ask your mother to keep your child, your spouse must of course agree 100%. The same is true in the grandparents' household. “The grandfathers are there, but it is often the grandmothers who are more involved in childcare,” says Francine Ferland. So, make sure the grandpa is also in full agreement with this decision. He … nothe shouldn't be disappointed to have a tired wife at the end of the day!
Advantages
The feeling of security
Those who have already been there know it: it's not easy to leave your baby in the arms of an educator you barely know. You have to trust, often with your eyes closed. By leaving our child with his grandparents, this feeling of insecurity does not exist. Going to work with a clear conscience is priceless!
The budget
Speaking of price, grandparent care does not have a big impact on the budget. “The rates, most of the time, will defy all competition,” says Ms. Ferland. Indeed, most grandparents will ask you absolutely nothing. Hard to find a better deal.
Consistency
Unlike the nanny who comes to your house and can let you go without warning, or even the daycare educator who can change without notice, we knows that our parents will respect their agreement and that they will be there for our child. Of course, they can be sick sometimes, but in terms of reliability, generally, you can rarely find better.
Flexibility
Are you gradually returning to work and only working three days a week? While most CPEs and daycares will require your child to be present 5 days a week, grandparents have all the flexibility you need. The same goes for occasional delays. Forget the extra $1 per minute required by the vast majority of childcare services!
The disadvantages
Disagreements
Anything related to the education of our children and the way we intervene can become a rather delicate subject. If grandma or grandpa makes an intervention that we consider inappropriate, we may not dare to tell them, for fear of offending them, contrary to what we would have the courage to say to an educator in a daycare “It's not the traditional employer-employee role,” says Ms. Ferland.
The role of grandparents
The primary role of grandparents (other than spoiling the children!) is emotional. They are there to give them attention and love. However, if they look after the children 5 days a week, they will have to abandon this role to adopt a more educational one. "They can feel stuck in there," says Francine Ferland. And the child may also have difficulty understanding the nuances in the roles that their grandparents play in their life.
A generator of family disturbances
Child care by grandparents can cause a lot of turmoil in a family. The sources of discord can be many. Among these: your spouse does not approve of certain acts and gestures made by your mother. Or vice versa; your mother keeps your baby, but not your sister's; etc When we take the time to seriously think about it, werealizes that many aspects of custody can become problematic.
Stimulation and socialization
Having your baby looked after by parents or in-laws is reassuring. However, there comes an age when children, who are much more motorized, risk lacking stimulation and socialization. Grandparents may be in good shape, we will not hide that having a child of 2-3 years old full time is sport! Rather than planning long-term care, it is better to reassess needs year after year.
To go further
Grandparents today. Pleasures and traps, Francine Ferland, Éditions CHU Sainte-Justine, 2012
