In December 1999, I lost my mom when I was only 19 years old. My lover meanwhile lost his mother in July 2011 when we had just officially united with several future projects in mind.
And today, my daughter's godfather lost her mother in turn.
Each time I learn of the death of a mother, it touches me personally. It brings me back to my own experience. I don't get used to it. And I'm never going to get used to it… no matter how old the child is. Losing your mother is for me one of the saddest and most inconceivable situations that exists.
This loss creates a great void. A mother is strength, everything rests on her. She gives life. It allows the existence of a living being (accompanied by the dad of course!). She deserves infinite respect. At birth, I was dependent on my mother, like all babies in the world. At 4 years old, she was my role model. At 8 years old, we were close.
It was from this age that, for the first time, the idea that she could disappear occurred to me. I sometimes had nightmares about it. Well, it's true that during my teenage crisis, I would have exchanged it for a while, or evenreplaced! Luckily, our spats never lasted long. We loved each other unconditionally.
A reference
To me, a mother is a pillar, a model and a guide. She was my reference, the one I asked questions first.
When I was a child, she loved that I draw colorful flowers for her; I was always eager to show him my finished work. I spent boxes of colored pencils! To this day, I still look forward to sharing my accomplishments.
She was also my best friend. I could tell him everything, without hiding. And it was reciprocal: I have always been a good listener for her. I miss our conversations. I asked him, existential questions! I will be 37 next month and I will still need her. I would need his advice, his experience and his anecdotes…
When nostalgia hits me, I cling to memories of our beautiful times together.
Taming your physical absence
The first anniversary dates that paraded after his departure bothered me a bit. The first Christmas without her, her party, mine. It brings a feeling of upheaval married with a certain nostalgia. But it gets less and less every year…
What I find fascinating: when I perceive the signs of his presence; whether it's her favorite song playing on the radio or when I see a bird she loved passing through the window orsimply, when she comes to visit me at night in my dreams. Each of these signs calms me down and helps me keep in touch with her.
I don't need to collect myself in a specific place. It is thanks to these little signs on both sides that I manage to mourn quietly and above all, that I manage to stay close to her, despite her departure.
I think my mom would have been proud of the mom I've become. Her absence makes me realize how lucky I am to be a mom myself. It is essential for me to give the maximum attention to my children. I enjoy every moment. I take the time to watch them grow.
Yesterday, they were dependent on me, today I am their model and tomorrow, we will be united…
