2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
Rival? Friend? Second mother? Witch? Your mother-in-law makes you see all the colors and you don't know how to react. Three scenarios and three solutions to help you.
The scenarios are multiple when it comes to mothers-in-law. When all is well, there is nothing to say. When each appreciates the other, the relationship is built little by little in a he althy climate. The real problem arises when we secretly call her the "witch", when we feel that for her we are a rival, when she compares us or depreciates us or when she puts too much effort in wanting to become our confidante. A delicate situation, because we already have our mother to play the role of "mother" towards us, we do not need an "other" mother. In addition, some mothers-in-law exercise control or power over their son. Not easy for them to leave their “little boy” even if he has grown up.
Territory War
Your mother-in-law calls every day. She comes to bring you dozens of small frozen meals. Your spouse has given her a key “just in case…” and she uses it to come and clean and even wash without your consent. Not to mention that she still calls her son “my baby”. She arrives withoutnotify on Saturday night and want to be aware of everything that happens at your place…
Some mothers-in-law don't realize that their son now has a life outside of them. They continue to mother them from a distance… or directly in their son's house. Is it a desire to control her son's life, a fear that he will not be completely happy without her intervention, or an overflowing maternal impulse that watches over her child too well? Difficult to decide! A mother may be so worried about her son entering adulthood that she can no longer cut the cord. However, it is necessary! Sometimes, our spouse may not even notice this game, so much for him it goes without saying that his mother takes care of him like this. A mother-in-law who is jealous that her son has another woman in his life may react in very strange ways.
The solution?
Talk frankly with your spouse first. Here, you are not at the center of the conflict. You suffer the consequences, of course, but the real problem is that the mother-son relationship takes up too much space. Explain to your lover how you feel. Be diplomatic all the same, because the exposure of this merger could hurt your spouse. Compromise. For example, you can appreciate his visits if they are announced. Give in to your mother-in-law's good shots (it's still nice to have small dishes in the freezer!), but ask your spouse to reassure her. You both get there! It's up to your spouse to realizefirst how this situation may affect you and then you can talk to his mother about it. Accept the efforts they will make to take back each their territory. Not everything will change all at once!
You're not my mother
Since you got pregnant, she hasn't let go of you. To say she takes great care of you would be an understatement! She wants to know everything and assures you that you can call her anytime for any problem. She bombards you with advice and recommendations. She confides secrets to you and would like – you can feel it – that you do the same with you. She even subtly told you that she might be there with you when you give birth. Mother-in-law projects herself a lot into her role as grandma and you fear that she will become even more intrusive when baby is around. It invades your bubble too much and you feel suffocated. And besides… you already have a mother!
Sometimes mothers-in-law want to please their daughter-in-law so badly that they overdo it! She would like to become our great friend or a second mother when we already have girlfriends and a mother too! On the one hand, we understand his intentions – laudable, all the same! –, but on the other hand, we have no desire to share our confidences with her. Especially since during a pregnancy, we have the emotions on edge and often an almost wild desire to protect her child like a mother lioness! It is normal to be in your bubble when you are pregnant or thatmay just be a trait of our personality to be a little lonely! Even if it is the mother of our spouse, we do not necessarily want to let her caress our belly. We don't want to call him after every doctor's appointment like we do with our mother. We don't want to tell him about our bits of life like we do with our girlfriends.
The solution?
Talk to him. We take advantage of an outing – go for a coffee for example – to talk to him face to face. Explain to him how you feel. Tell her that you understand her excitement about becoming a grandmother, but that you are sometimes uncomfortable with her impulses. Reassure her about your relationship by explaining to her that for you, she is neither a friend nor a mother, because you already have them, but that you would like to find a way to know each other better. Give the two of you time to build a good relationship. This woman definitely has a dose of goodwill, she will probably know how to listen to you. Maybe she's extremely clumsy and awkward and everything she says to you comes out off the hook. Take the time to talk to each other and make it clear that you need time – and space – to build your relationship.
Never good enough
For her, we are not good enough for her son! This type of mother-in-law has an opinion on everything from the color we painted the living room, the way we raise our children, the spice mix in our shepherd's pie, to our vacation choices.with the family (without her!). What we do is never good! We feel that she does not appreciate us and tries to put her whole family on her side and maybe even her son… Moreover, she compares us to the former friends of our lover and that hurts us. And what do you do when you're hurt? We take revenge and become as petty as her. War is declared.
The danger in this situation is that it becomes an escalation of bitches and negative comments. Do we really want it to happen like this? Our mother-in-law feels the need to "lift" herself by putting us down? It's a sign that her self-esteem is suffering, but that doesn't give her the right to flout ours.
Such a mother-in-law could lead us into a race to please her absolutely by trying to change so that she likes us. Whether we take revenge or try to please him at all costs, this relationship is negative! We must act!
The solution?
In such a situation, one does not want to become the ideal daughter-in-law just as one does not seek to create a perfect mother-in-law. We're just looking for a civilized recovery. First, you have to do a personal exercise. Do our mother-in-law's comments or remarks still reach us? Which hurt you the most? Why? We also wonder about the importance given to them. If she makes a comment about the spices in our spaghetti sauce, does that have an impact on us as a person? Do we like our sauce? So,why give importance to this comment? We could first of all put everything into perspective and learn to react calmly to her remarks instead of leaving her the impression that she dominates us. “We, the whole family, like the sauce that way. It has more spice! could be served after his remark. First, we show him that we have no intention of changing to please him and we prove to ourselves that this comment will not invade us. We must not let ourselves be affected by all his remarks.
Also, we can ask our spouse to defend us and intervene in this conflict by making his mother understand that such an attitude is not conducive to a friendly family atmosphere. Our lover must be able to tell his mother "enough!" when she crosses the boundaries of respect. Discussing it with him will help establish a good strategy for stepmom to calm her game of wanting to be the best…
To make your relationship better
Identify key moments when emotions are 1000 power between her and you. Same thing with delicate subjects that are best avoided. This way, you can prepare better.
