Grandparents are now more involved than ever in the education of their grandchildren, because both parents work, because they are more mobile and in better shape, too. A precious role with their grandchildren, but not always easy to assume.
A source of love, affection, security
“When Noémie was only a few months old, my mother was the only person I could entrust her to with my eyes closed,” says Valérie. “I knew she was going to deploy treasures of patience and availability for her. A reassuring pillar for young parents, grandparents are also a stable and reassuring landmark for the child. “In the arms of a grandfather or a grandmother continues what psychologists call the “holding”, that is to say the support which gives security. (…) Grandparents introduce both a resemblance and a difference. They are neither the mother nor the father, but they are not quite the stranger” explains the psychoanalyst Madeleine Natanson in In my family, I ask the grandparents! (ed. Fleurus). They enroll the childin a lineage and a history. A role that is all the more important at a time when families are breaking down and coming back together.
The risks of slippage
“The main risk is that the grandmother bypasses the middle generation and leaves her role,” warns Marie-Françoise Fuchs, president of the School for European Grandparents. This ranges from sweet little words "my love", "my baby", addressed to the child as if it were his own, to frank seizures of power (a new haircut, for example), through gifts bulky. “My mum babysat Thomas last weekend. She bought him three colorful joggings, knowing very well that I hate! “says Agnès, mother of Thomas, 5 years old. “Between doing what she can for her little child in relation to what the parents want, and imagining that she is the one who does the best for him, there is a step… that she must not cross”, emphasizes Marie-Françoise Fuchs.
How to avoid these pitfalls?
- First of all, be careful not to ask Grandma too much: it's hard to say no or disagree with a person who does us so many services!
- By setting limits on what is and isn't educationally acceptable. Grandma deprives him/her of his/her pacifier because she thinks it's time to give it up, she forces him/her to eat dishes he/she doesn't like, she spanks him/her… Better take a clear position on important points and do not fight over thesmall differences.
- By trying to see each other between adults, outside the presence of the child. "It is by remaining attentive to your adult ties that everyone will find their place", psychotherapists often explain.
What shouldn't you do?
- Asking grandparents for help at all times
- Speak ill of grandparents in front of grandchildren
- Reproduce the upbringing you had, no questions asked, first.
- Fight you with your parents, in front of your children.
What should you do?
- Talk to your parents about the place they should take, outside of the presence of your children.
- If you need them, always ask if it's ok with them first.
- Share with them how you and your companion want to raise your child.
- Demand that your house rules be maintained outside your home.
In conclusion: the important thing is you and your child
When the child appears, it is sure that for the grandparents, the reflex is to impose their laws as they did with you. However, it is important to respect your own rules, while trying to make your parents understand that you are now master on board.
It's never easy and it sometimes requires sometimes painful tune-ups. It is also important that your companion assists you when the maternal grandparents are intrusive. And you must support your mate with his own parents.
In the end, the child must feel the unity of the family in front of his own limits and not play with misunderstandings, because he would emerge victorious from a situation where adults have failed. This must not happen, because he too must stay in his place as a child and respect the adult world.
Inspiring Readings
Grandparents, Claudine Attias-Donfut and Martine Segalen, (ed. Odile Jacob)In my family, I ask for grandparents!, Madeleine Natanson, (ed. Fleurus)The Art of Being Great -parents under the direction of Marie-Françoise Fuchs and Geneviève Laplagne (ed. Minerva). Lili discovers her grandmother, Dominique de Saint-Mars and Serge Bloch, (ed. Calligram)
