Attachment is necessary to develop a relationship with our children. Love, care and attachment allow us to grow as parents and provide our children with the security they need to become independent.
I am often confronted with mothers who feel a very strong protective instinct and who need to stay close to their baby. Here is the question received last week from a worried mother: “When we have to part, I think I have as much anxiety as my one-year-old boy. I manage our separations badly… and so does he. Do you have any tips to help us? »
Culture and nature
The separation from our little ones is above all a cultural advance and it turns out that we experience this duality between nature and culture on a daily basis. We live in latitudes where families work outside and entrust their children to other people. We are asked to perform and even if in Quebec, we are rather pampered with the maternity leave, it turns out all the same that the separation from our children is not natural and can be extremely taxing.
It is oftenreported that for a child to become independent, he must be separated from his attachment figure and he must develop his social skills alone, away from the nest. However, some mothers who are very connected to their need for protection feel great anxiety at the idea of separating from their child. This reason is physiological: we are made to stay in touch with our children and continue to strengthen the relationship.
At the same time, several mentions can be made: some women need to find a social life and an activity outside maternity, to find a balance there. Others explain that they have no choice but to return to the labor market to take on family responsibilities despite the pain of separating.
It is therefore a very sensitive subject because it awakens wounds, guilt and discomfort. It is also a subject that divides women. Moreover, several approaches contradict each other.
Sound the alert
There is no right answer; we have to deal with our own feelings and needs. If you are one of those who have this visceral need to stay close to your child, this is not a failure, an unhe althy relationship or an emotional dependence; it is on the contrary a very strong and developed instinct. Your biology is in dissonance, at odds with your deep need to watch over your offspring and assure them of serenity.
I still wanted to emphasize the importance of demystifying popular beliefs. A motherand a very connected child are not dysfunctional. It is he althy to stay close to your children. It is natural to want to take responsibility for their safety, care and development.
A mother who is having difficulty separating needs to be heard because she is in real distress at the possibility. As for the child, he too experiences this anxiety and he needs to be reassured. A mother and her child are in a relationship: it is therefore an energy that circulates, one feels the other. Often the mother feels that her baby is not ready to be away from her. She is not necessarily the one who generates separation anxiety, she is quite simply very sensitive to signals and she triggers her alert system.
A taboo?
It is important to go gradually while respecting your own pace, ideally surrounded by trusted resource people who are empathetic to your situation.
You also have to dare to talk about it so as not to be rushed and above all, to make sure you know that it is not a problem but a common reality (although taboo). No one wants to be judged as a mother unable to let go… Yet being connected to her inner instincts is a mutual gift for the growing relationship.
What generally helps families more worried about separation is observing our children. Often they adapt and they are resilient. They find compensation strategies. These are clues that the attachment is strong and the mother can then learn totrust.
A journey
Why is it so hard to part? The answer may be related to our history, our needs, our values, our wounds or our ambitions. It is a journey and a learning. You shouldn't be rushed or minimized in what you feel. Separating is a fundamental step in the relationship, and often it is accelerated by pretexting external needs. It is also an awareness of taming the fact that our children are just “lent” to us and that they will inevitably go their own way, live their experiences.
To detach, you must first have been well attached. It is the mother's mission to be open to it.
