Despite your best efforts, you may lose your baby during pregnancy. Even today, about 20% of all pregnancies do not end as expected…
The following information has been prepared to help you through this difficult time and to guide you if you have difficult decisions to make such as watching or holding your baby, making funeral arrangements, …and handle inappropriate comments from people. We hope that the following suggestions will guide you or bring you some comfort if you ever have to face this ordeal.
Miscarriage
If you lose your baby to a miscarriage you may feel emptiness or you may feel angry with yourself, no more feeling betrayed by your own body. You could blame yourself, but also your actions, your behaviors, or even that extra glass of wine or cup of coffee. You may think that your friends, family or hospital staff do not recognize the intensity of your grief. Remember that this pregnancy was real for you and your spouse. You visualized your baby. In your dreams youwalked him, bathed him and dressed him. You will have to mourn those dreams with this baby.
You might like to know the reason for your miscarriage. Be prepared that you may never find a definite answer. Try not to blame yourself. Talk openly about your feelings and your baby with a sympathetic person. If you wish, get in touch with a support group in your area.
Stillbirths/death shortly after birth
Prematurity remains a leading cause of infant death during pregnancy or shortly after birth. There is no guarantee against premature birth; we must remain attentive to the signs of prematurity. Despite all your precautions, this situation could occur. Your grief can develop on two levels: the first is the loss of the unique experience of parenthood and the second is the loss of your baby. The emotions you might feel can be very varied and may at times seem incomprehensible. Feelings of guilt, injustice, anger, despair and unreality are often very present. Try to find the listening ear of a sympathetic person so that you can discuss all the feelings that are overwhelming you. It is essential that you take the time to grieve at your own pace. You cannot continue to live, to move forward until you have mourned what you have lost. Members of your family or friends may makeinappropriate remarks such as “you are young, you are going to have another one”, “it does not matter, you had not known him”, “we are sent a test to grow up” and many more. Children are not interchangeable and you cannot ignore the death of your baby. You have the right to mourn him.
Here are important comments and suggestions from parents who have already experienced the loss of one or more babies:
- Name her baby
- Look at your baby, pick him up, touch him, rock him, bath him, dress him. All of these actions you take will help you in your grief and help you come to terms with the fact that your baby has died. No parent has ever regretted taking these actions, but many have regretted not having done so. You have the right to keep your baby with you for as long and as often as you wish during your hospital stay; this is the only time you can do it, because after that it will be too late. Take all the time you need to begin this grieving process. You have the right to invite family or friends to come and meet your baby, so you will have memories to share with them; it may be easier for them to understand you later.
- Take pictures with your camera. Usually, hospital staff take one or two "Polaroid" type photos which often disappoint parents. Take pictures of your baby with you, dressed, naked, full face,in profile, with an object by his side to remind you of his size. These are the only tangible memories you can cherish later when the pain subsides. Photos can be put away until you want to see them. If you are unable to take them yourself, ask a good friend or caregiver to take them for you.
- Do not hesitate to ask your doctor questions. Ask until you have answers you understand. Talk to your doctor about doing an autopsy to find the cause. It could still happen that some questions remain unanswered.
- Plan the funeral or memorial service as you see fit. Some hospitals have agreements with a funeral home to offer funeral arrangements at a lower cost; inform yourself. Some hospitals hold a memorial ceremony; find out about the next one.
- Don't bottle up your emotions. Talk about it with a sympathetic person as soon as you feel the need. It is important that mom and dad can do this. During your hospitalization, a social worker, a psychologist and even a chaplain can help you. Do not hesitate to ask for help. It is normal to feel overwhelmed by events and to need to be accompanied.
- As a couple, you have to take the time to share your pain and your vanished dreams. It is not because you have lost the same baby that you are going to live thisloss the same way, each person will react to grief in a different way.
- It is normal for you to have “relapses”. We never recover from the grief of losing a child, but we learn to assimilate this pain on a daily basis. This can take several months and even years. Be prepared to feel pain, sometimes for no apparent reason. It is by going through all these painful emotions that you will finally be able to feel at peace with them.
- Several books have been published on the subject of perinatal bereavement. You can get them at your local library or support group in your area. Find out. Rest assured that you are not alone in this time of mourning. There are many dedicated people who are there to help you during these difficult times in your life.
