There is no greater love than for our children. But from there to say that we are “in love” with them? Isn't there a subtlety between loving very strongly and "being in love"?
After 9 months of living together, to which we add dozens of weeks of maternity leave, it is normal for a special bond to be woven between mother and baby. The bond of attachment is necessary, even essential. It is a bond of intense affection that develops over the days and when it adequately meets the physical and emotional needs, we say that the bond of attachment is secure, that is to say that the child feels he can count on his parents and also feels confident enough to explore his surroundings.
Merge needed… but not unique
Also, the first months spent with your child are decisive for the creation and development of the bond of attachment, which will have a decisive impact throughout the life of the child. The months following his birth (until about 8 months), the child is not even aware of his own body, he is still one with his mother. They both live in a kind of symbiosis sometimes accentuated by frequent hand-to-hand combat and long moments alone. Youare spontaneously and sometimes even viscerally attracted to your child and to him, you are all he knows.
However, this privileged relationship, although beneficial, must evolve towards the individualization of the child. Once the bond is well established, the mother must understand that she is not the only one able to take care of her child. Even if their relationship is unique and irreplaceable, the mother must agree to “share” her child. First, it is essential for your child to acquire a certain autonomy and independence. He understands that he can "live" without you.
Also, on your side, you will be able to rediscover your role as a woman and not only as a mother, also giving dad the chance to take his place as it suits him.
Ultra-protection and jealousy
It is true that the love we have for our child is immeasurable. Many would jump off a bridge to save their child. But between loving our child very, very strongly and saying that we are “in love” with him, there is a subtlety that remains. Does this love make up for our rocky love life? For our own chaotic childhood?
Also, the spouse (and dad!) may become jealous or irritated by this situation. This state of fusion between the child and the mother is not desirable in the long term or excessively. And there is no question of not loving your child enough. The love you have for your child also means accepting to let him create relationships with others anddo not imprison him in our love.
In fact, it is not uncommon for married life to suffer from this fusion of love between mother and child. The latter is so "fulfilled" by her child that she can neglect her couple. Attention! You have to know how to be both a mother and a lover. And one does not erase the other. Finding your privacy again after the arrival of a baby is necessary for a fulfilling family life – including the couple and the children.
Cut needed
The father plays a key role in this triangular relationship. Indeed, it is through his involvement and his presence that he will manage to create a he althy and necessary distance for the construction of the child. No question here of breaking the link in a drastic way. But by being there, like a third member of this trio, the father allows the child to detach himself from the mother to turn towards the world. It is a process necessary for the development, growth and individuality of the child.
Tips to prevent merging from becoming an intrusion
- Care for the child gradually (a little longer each time, if the separation is difficult), but every week.
- Let dad take care of it his way as often as possible. They have a bond to build too.
- Accept other people to care for and care for your child, even in your presence.
- Trust those around you when they take care of your children.
- Allow time toself.
- Find intimacy in your couple (here are 12 gestures to create magic!).
- Find an activity where our child is in contact with other children of his age.
- Going out: with girls, with baby and in family.
In love with his children?
Here is what we think about it on the Facebook page of Mamanpourlavie.com.
I would say that I love my children more than anything because they are a part of me. However, I would not say that I am "in love with my children". I am obviously “in love with my spouse”. For me, it's different, therefore, the love you have for your children and the love for your lover. (Sandra)
There are many forms of love; passion, filial, friendly, reasonable, and more… to be in love with your child is desirable, even that the opposite is rather unhe althy in my opinion… (Valérie)
I'm in love with my daughter. I would give him my life, a lung, my blood if I could (besides, many moms would do the same as me)! I'm in love with my spouse too, but the love I feel for everyone is different. I don't see anything wrong with being in love with her child, because I love her very much and I find it hard when she's away from me. It's a part of me, a tiny me! (Sabrina)
I've often been told that! Many mothers told me they were in love with their baby and I found it rather strange because I did not feelnot that at all. My daughter is 9 and a half months old and I have had difficulty in my relationship with her for a long time. I thought it was instantaneous. We fell in love with our child from birth. It was not my case. I would even say that during my delivery I told the doc and the nurse not to give me my daughter, so I did not want to hold her in my arms right away. I believed that if I didn't fall in love I wouldn't love my child enough. There was a big adjustment to make. I love my daughter very much, she is very important to me, but I can't say that I'm in love with her! We learn to tame ourselves quietly. Maybe one day I will really be in love with her, but for now although the feeling is strong, I don't feel like that at all! (Annie)
To be in love=to feel love for… why would it be unhe althy or undesirable to feel love for one's children? This expression can be applied without problem to all forms of love, I don't see why it should be restricted to the spouse… Is there a French rule that says that somewhere? I don't know her then. (Celine)
