2023 Author: Anita Thornton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-22 03:30
A story has just ended with loss and crash and it's painful, long to heal? Do you promise yourself that you won't be caught again? What if, on the contrary, we had to believe in it?
Whether you're 20 or 55, love is a very special emotion, and when suffering leads us to give it up for various reasons, the prospect of meeting new love can terrify us. So how to behave? How to recognize that all love does not mean suffering?
An unconscious desire
“Today, romantic encounters are idealized, ardently sought after,” observes psychoanalyst Gérard Bonnet, author of The Irresistible Power of Sex (Payot, 2001) and Autoanalysis (PUF, 2010), but this does not mean, however, that one is ready, in reality, to make room for the other in one's life. In other words, it would come at least as much from our unconscious desire as from our own will.
It happens in the body
According to Gonzague Masquelier, author of La Gest alt today, choosing your life (Éditions Retz, 2008), Gest alt therapist, before going to a new encounter, "we should clean the old wounds of our lives affective, all the blocked emotions that arestill active (sadness, resentment, anger) and which prevent us from welcoming the other”. He adds that, among the toxins of the past, there are also what are called in gest alt therapy, introjections, that is to say the erroneous or limiting beliefs that we have inherited from childhood or integrated from unfortunate experiences. "This ranges from generalities about men or women to prejudices about the couple or sexuality, through certainties about our alleged lack or incompetence", explains Gonzague Masquelier, who believes that only an awareness of their existence and their nuisance can free us from it.
According to Rose-Marie Charest, psychologist and author of The Dynamics of Love, the alchemy of the couple (Albin Michel, 2011), a real romantic encounter always leads to upheavals, both external and internal. It is powerfully transformative. “It is not simply a link that is added to all the others, but an experience of creativity: it is a new territory to be built, which necessarily encroaches on individual territories. »
No magic recipe
Of course, there is no magic recipe for bringing out “the” partner. But, according to coach Bénédicte Ann, creator of the Café de l'amour and author of The next one is the good one! (Albin Michel, 2011), certain rules are to be known. In her recent book, she proposes to follow five steps to stop the errors ofcasting.
The 5 steps to follow
1. Making peace with your love storyTo become aware of your obstacles, two key questions to ask yourself: what did the other take away from me when I left (self-confidence, spontaneity, joie de vivre, etc.)? And what hidden benefits did my previous relationships bring me?
2. Assuming one's share of responsibility “Am I afraid of suffering? », « Am I afraid of losing control? », « Am I afraid to be wrong again? Questioning yourself and then noting your answers allows you to take the measure of your negative projections in relational dynamics.
3. Take reality into accountDon't tell stories ("It will be different with me"), take into account the negative signals received (emotions, sensations, impressions), dare to ask direct questions ("Are you divorced?") are all ways to be part of an open approach that starts from reality and not from one's fantasies.
4. Defining your projectThree questions deserve to be worked on in writing: – What moved me (positively) in my past relationships? – What type of project do I want to share (start a family, change my way of life, preserve my territory)? – Why do I want a relationship? (Because I feel ready to love again, because I love life as a couple).
5. Meeting someone good… for yourselfIs your partner looking to meet or to build? Is itreally available? What is his motivation? For what reasons did his past relationships fail? What is her ideal life plan for two? So many indicators to know and which can enlighten your thinking.
- Autoanalysis (PUF, 2010), by Gérard Bonnet
- Gest alt today, choosing your life (Éditions Retz, 2008), Gonzague Masquelier
- Love dynamics (Albin Michel, 2011), Rose-Marie Charest.
- The next one is the good one! by Bénédicte Ann (Albin Michel, 2011)